Visualization

Today I got a suggestion from my brother, Tom, about visualizing the chemo as little Pac Man's, eating my cancer "all gone." I had heard of visualization before but my idea was to see the chemo as a wave of "cleaner," sort of washing me clean. I wonder now, how specifc do I need to be in my picture in my head? Is washing good enough, or should I be Pac Manning it? Having that little round head actually eating every cell?

And, my imagination needs help, I guess because I'm having trouble seeing how to get those little guys into my bones (in my picture in my head). Maybe I shouldn't worry about it until Monday, when I get another try at Taxol...I wonder if other people who have tried this only visualize when they are on their chemo drip, or all the time, every day?

On another note, my CA-15-3 report (tumor marker) went from an original # of 152 to 263.

This could mean one of two things per Dr. P, my oncologist: a) the chemo isn't working and the cancer is growing, or, b) the chemo is working and because the cancer cells are "exploding" - this causes the markers to rise up before they fall (kind of like a wave hitting the beach, then it falls back into the sea). I am, of course, choosing to read this as the treatment is working, and that the bad cells are exploding.

Maybe I should just concentrate on that visualization? I have no problem seeing them explode like little popping soap bubbles in the air. I bet, whatever works easily for your mind to wrap around, is the key to successful visualization.

I think I'll leave Pac Man to someone else's keen mind and I'll stick with exploding cancer cells (bubbles). Pop, pop, pop! I can almost even hear the sounds when I sit quietly and focus. I hope this is the right choice for me.

The only other way to tell if the treatment is working for me (since its in my bones, possibly 2 spots in liver also), is a PET scan, and, how much pain I'm having in my bones. This is a hard call because Taxol also causes pain in muscles and bones. So, I try not to worry too much over every ache and pain-it could just be the treatment working and not the cancer growing.

Today, I'm choosing to focus on being healthy in thought, and in action. I'm going to the beach with my dog, Serenity, and my friend Dinah, and her redbone hound, Jolie. Serenity is a white yellow lab mix w/other half golden retriever, but you'd never know that looking at her. She also has her own little character defect in that she was born with only about 1/4th of the normal tail of a retriever. (So, yeah, we are lucky because we don't have to worry about the tail clearing off the coffee table, or beating us silly.) Anyway, it will be good to get out of the house for a few hours and enjoy this wonderful, perfect sunny California day.

Pac man, anyone?