Telling My Daughter

Well, I did it.

I did it the best way that I know how, yet it was harder than if I had done it face to face. I told my ten year old daughter over the phone yesterday that the cancer I had dealt with originally back in 2003/2004 had come back a second time.

What a hard, hard thing to have to do. I've waited to tell her all this time (since beginning of June '09) because I had just found out that the cancer had recurred a few days before she was due to leave on her summer break with her grandparents and cousins to go to the east coast (of USA). I didn't want her to worry about me. I didn't want to spoil her time with them by putting this frightening idea in her head until absolutely necessary.

If she had been home for the summer, well then, I would have been upfront with her immediately because I believe that my children (all children actually) have a right to hear truth and not be lied to (and so, having to wait was very hard on me...feeling like I was lying...although I knew in this case it was a benefit to her).

I think that children know anyway, they can sense when something is wrong (like when a parent is fighting cancer) and rather than let their heads go wild with worry, speculation and resentment at being "ignored, left out, not included" in the process, I choose to give them age appropriate information. This doesn't mean that my kids have to hear every "gory" detail, every word shared by the doctors and me. When I say "honesty," it's in relation to my kids ages and my having to impart bad news - like having active cancer again.

For example, this means that (a) they are told I have it, and "how" I have it - in general- where it is in my body (like bones, or breasts, or other organs), and (b) they are given the basics of the treatment I will be receiving to fight it (chemo, radiation, hormonal etc), and (c) how I feel about this happening; my optimism, how it may or may not change/impact them (in day to day activities) and our family routine. This helps me to offer reassurance and share with them who is going to be around more helping us during this period of time (ie., family, friends, services like Meals On Wheels that come by daily, etc).

As I've mentioned before in my writing, I believe knowledge is power and so I give that to my children. I want to make it clear though, that I do not over burden my children either. They get what information they need that helps their minds to cope, but not so much that I place my burden upon them to carry for me!

It was time to tell her because she will be home in two days and will see my bald head (or wig) for herself. I was able to tell her that I feel better than I did from February to May, and that was a good thing, because it shows that I'm getting the right treatment and its working already.

However, she is very downcast over my hair loss. It's more than just wanting me to look like her "regular mommy". Hair loss represents sickness, being different/not normal, doctors this and that everywhere, "people knowing" that Mom has cancer, and probably even more than that. I feel bad for her about that. I tried to help her have some perspective by gently reminding her that - What if I got well and.... my hair never came back, then what? Answer: WHO CARES?! The main thing is in being alive! I know she appreciates this, yet the missing hair represents more to her - what I stated above plus I'm sure her fear of her mom dying, I think. So just having to see me without hair is really stressful.

But that was on Friday. Today (Saturday) she was relatively back to normal (kids ARE so resilient!) and that was great to hear. I'm thankful that God is helping her.

Tomorrow is Sunday and that means a blood draw/test and then church. I go to church to be close to God, not necessarily to join an organized religion (although I am happy to "join" as long as I am allowed my beliefs). I look forward to it as an opportunity to talk to God, to hear God talk to me through others, to share in the joy of having a loving relationship with God (instead of one like I was taught at our church growing up where God was going to punish you for breathing wrong), and to get to worship God through singing. I'm not at all a great (or even good) singer but singing hits me at an emotional level and I cry a lot at church because I still feel like I'm getting cleansed of all my alcoholic "shame's" (bad deeds, hurtful people, attacks made upon me, humiliations, and pain/suffering I caused on those who love me and had to worry about me). I look forward to having the prayer team pray for me and my family; to help me overcome my difficulties, that my victory may bear witness testimony of what God's grace can do. I've been a miracle of God many times before...is there a limit on how many times I can be a miracle? I really hope that the answer is no!

I will pray that God gives my children everything they need to help them walk through this difficult time with me; that they have courage, faith, hope, strength, friends who care & support & protect them (especially at school) and that they have peace in their hearts. I will also pray that God gives me all the right words to say to help them, gives me the right actions to show them, and gives me anything else He thinks I might need to support them through this so that each of us will live on, and grow stronger, because of walking through this in faith.

May God bless each of them, my family and friends, and every single one of you out there as you read this - in whatever way you need His blessing(s) the very most.

Is God is good? ALL THE TIME!
Amen!

With Gratitude For You,
Elizabeth