National Geographic News, August 19, 2009 is a very interesting article about how cancer cells are protected from dying off properly, by anti-oxidants, a new study shows! Just wanted to get this mention out of the way first & foremost because I think it is important for everyone to read. Unfortunately, probably cause I'm a bit tired, I couldn't figure out the link info properly. But, you can still find it online at the info/date above.
So, now to busy, busy, rest, rest! I haven't written since the 15th I think (?) of this month because ... Here's why!
A week ago tomorrow, I started college classes again; although I reduced my classes from four to two. The two I kept are just the right amount of work, I think, for me to pull off in my chemo state of being.
I kept math and basic photography, both of which I am excited about, bit especially the photog class because of it's creative/art spark that I get from it (already!). We use 35 mm cameras, develop film, learn to enlarge film, etc. Really exciting stuff for an artist because I can see myself using film to create compositions to use to paint from, as well as using film to express my art in a completely "film" way. Really great class! Really excited! Really! :) In cutting down my classes, I now only have school two days a week, instead of four, and that's really good for me too.
Then, Wed. I had a "partial" infusion; no chemo because white blood cells too low...but hey! at least it wasn't due to my liver, which is now almost back to normal. Thank You, GOD! Looks like we'll try for Taxol again, this upcoming Friday.
Thursday of last week, my daughter started school. And, Friday, I had surgery to repair my port, which had somehow turned itself around and in so doing, rendered itself un-usable. Having a port is important and extremely helpful to me because it protects my left arm/veins from over-use and more scarring from constant use. A port is "tucked" under your skin, attached to a large vein in your chest (for me, at least). It's actually just barely visable, as a lump under the skin. It's an entry way for access to a vein which would obviously be unreachable for chemo/iv use.
This is necessary for me to help protect my left arm vein, as I said, because my right arm is "off-limits" for needles, i.v.'s and even blood pressure machines. This is because I had lymph nodes removed in my right armpit six years ago when I had my mastecomy. Removing lymph nodes leaves the limb that is "affected" by the loss, susceptible to Lymphedema, which is a horrible, enormous swelling of a limb that gets clogged in draining normal fluids, due to loss of lymph nodes. Somehow, squeezing the arm (in my case) with blood pressure monitors, of putting needles into it, can create the condition. So, I am very careful not to use that arm for any of those things. This leaves my left arm for everything which damages the veins after a while, from scarring due to over-use. Therefore, I needed the port fixed asap.
I am very, very, very sore from these surgeries. The one to put the port in, I had in June, and that was extremely painful for about two weeks, with the third week being just really sore. I sure hope it doesn't take that long this time, as it hurts just to bend over to put on my shoes. Because it's in my upper part of my left breast/chest area, every jiggle hurts! I have been resting solidly since Saturday mid-day, when I had to get my daughter from her gymnastics class. Luckily for me, my helpful sister took her to class, and my other helpful friend Dinah, helped me drive up there (about 30 min away). Both were a great help in doing that! I am thankful to have helpful, caring people in my life.
So, we skipped church today because I'm in pain, tired and resting...as much as is possible with a ten year old and fifteen year old, who want to keep moving and doing stuff and want me to participate. I have to constantly remind them of why I can't. This irritates all of us equally; they hate hearing me say "no, I can't right now" and I get tired of saying it to them. Heavy sighs all around. I often get support from friends, and family, to keep them busy for me while I rest, but I guess ot just isn't often enough for them. This is surely a lesson in patience for us all.
Even my dog, Serenity, does the heavy sighs too! She is a sweet, kind, patient and loving dog--willing to do whatever is asked of her, even wait, wait, wait for her regular daily walk, which hasn't happened this week for several days now. She is laying in her bed right now, and I just heard her do a heavy sigh. Little cutie. She is half white lab, half golden retriever. She looks all white lab except for her birth defect tail (which made her a freebie) because it is only about 3 inches long and looks like it had been docked vs born shortie. In every other way, she is a perfect girl. She loves my 3 cats and the kids and everyone she meets -- Miss Congeniality! We are blessed to have such a good,sweet dog. She still guards the house and grounds for all her sweetness, our great dog!
So now, it is a resting day and I am going to go rest again. Just wanted to keep in touch!
With Gratitude for All-
Elizabeth Gregory
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Interpretations and Musings
First of all, I recently read on a CNN Techology article about a new "cancer game" called "re-mission." The focus of the game (it states it's for teenagers suffering from cancer/going through treatment/helps to visualize killing cancer cells while playing the game) is to kill cancer cells as the main target; to help teenagers to visualize and "participate" in killing the cancer cells in their bodies by playing the game. You can download it for free and/or order a free cd to be mailed to you (which I did because I have a Mac and it's a PC based game; which means I will have to use it at a friends' house). The website listed in the article is: http://www.re-mission.net/site/community/.
I haven't tried it yet since I haven't gotten the cd yet, but what an incredible idea and.... DUH!!?? Why hasn't anyone thought of this before?? Brilliant of those who did put it together. It certainly can't hurt, only help, I think. Anyway, I am excited about trying it out. I may not be a teen, but I can certainly benefit from a "let's kill those damn cancer cells" game as much as the next person.
Also, I am a budding artist. I recently submitted a couple of pieces to an "art show" (more of a submission of art for shared viewing vs awards or competition) at my local church. One piece was a painting which was well received, and the other was a smaller, two piece ceramic scuplture. This piece was "lost" for a few weeks, in that it didn't show in the art exhibition and at first, no one was sure where it went. I was able to locate and retrieve it successfully a few days ago, with the help of one of the art dept. gals.
It turned out that it was "excluded" from the exhibition because it is a sculpture of a faceless, naked woman, which was based upon a 25,000 year old figurine known as the "Venus of Willendorf." The original figurine is thought to be a fertility totem, or a figure celebrating a healthy, potent, female in caveman days. The breasts are over-large, droopy/saggy and prominent because of their size compared to the body and the skinny, almost non-existent, twiggy little arms that barely attempt to lay over the top of the breasts. The stomach is large, pregnancy/well-fed appearing, with large round thighs, cut off at about the knees. The vagina is noted as a small slit, as are the buttocks-again, large and round. She is faceless, with almost no neck, and rounded dots covering her head as her hair. In reality, I believe it is approximately 2 inches tall and a reddish, brown clay color.
My sculpture mimics this pretty well, except that it is about 4-5 inches tall and I have "removed" one breast - showing a "Frankenstein-like" scar covering the missing breast on the chest. I also made it with a simple coiled vase, that is purposely made to enhance the idea of the pieces being very old, and made by cavemen-era artists.
Anyway, when I let the gal know that I had successfully retrieved the pieces with her help/guidance, the truth as to why they had been missing came out.
I don't know what the other art staff thought of my piece, but when she shared with them that I was/am a 6 year cancer survivor and fighter - going through treatment again - I guess "their heads hung low" according to her.
Somehow I guess they saw it as something quite different than a prehistoric breast cancer victim. My title for the piece is "Another Surviving Venus," and the show's focus was on the body - of humans, Christ, your interpretation. I was sort of amused at the reaction; that it was censored that way, and the "guilty" feelings that were apparently felt upon learning the story about my piece's creation and comparison to the prehistoric piece, and breast cancer survivorship.
People are funny, aren't they? Art is in the eye of the beholder. And your eye sees whatever you see easily, I guess. Whatever you are hung up about, or find attractive or ... you know. My painting, in contrast, is a beautiful composition of the "victory" angel, several large California poppies, with patterns, repeated prints, in primarily teal/blue greens and golden browns and oranges. It is not offensive in any way (at least, not so far; it even won 2nd place in local show).
I was intrigued by the whole turn of events and things like that always open my eyes, make me think and mull things over. I think about how we are all similar, yet made so different by our experiences and interpretations of them...and how those initial views can even change over time.
I know for me, for example, learning forgiveness was a liberating, spiritual-growth inducing "tool". It was very diificult for me to accept that forgiveness - of someone who had violated me terribly, for example - was not only in line with what God asks of us, but was also the healthiest, and kindest thing I could do FOR MYSELF. Forgiveness is not "just for the other person" - it is really for you to trust God to handle that person and take yourself off the hook, of guilt, anger, shame, pain - whatever feelings you're having - and let yourself move on. To me, forgiveness is saying to that person (directly or not), I forgive you because I cannot hold these painful feelings close to my heart anymore, and I trust God to work with you as He sees fit. I forgive you because it's what God asks me to do, and because I believe in God to help me heal once I have done this. And by not forgiving, I continue to give that person who wounded me, permission to continue wounding me. I cannot have a true relationship with God, and I cannot heal, if I don't forgive. I cannot grow if I won't "let go".
Anyhow, this whole thing with my art pieces took my mind on this direction and so I am sharing it with you.
I'm glad for experiences that help me grow, even if at first, I don't understand or they are painful. I trust my God today, I believe He will carry me if I need Him too; I just have to remember to let Him.
With Gratitude For All-
Elizabeth Gregory
I haven't tried it yet since I haven't gotten the cd yet, but what an incredible idea and.... DUH!!?? Why hasn't anyone thought of this before?? Brilliant of those who did put it together. It certainly can't hurt, only help, I think. Anyway, I am excited about trying it out. I may not be a teen, but I can certainly benefit from a "let's kill those damn cancer cells" game as much as the next person.
Also, I am a budding artist. I recently submitted a couple of pieces to an "art show" (more of a submission of art for shared viewing vs awards or competition) at my local church. One piece was a painting which was well received, and the other was a smaller, two piece ceramic scuplture. This piece was "lost" for a few weeks, in that it didn't show in the art exhibition and at first, no one was sure where it went. I was able to locate and retrieve it successfully a few days ago, with the help of one of the art dept. gals.
It turned out that it was "excluded" from the exhibition because it is a sculpture of a faceless, naked woman, which was based upon a 25,000 year old figurine known as the "Venus of Willendorf." The original figurine is thought to be a fertility totem, or a figure celebrating a healthy, potent, female in caveman days. The breasts are over-large, droopy/saggy and prominent because of their size compared to the body and the skinny, almost non-existent, twiggy little arms that barely attempt to lay over the top of the breasts. The stomach is large, pregnancy/well-fed appearing, with large round thighs, cut off at about the knees. The vagina is noted as a small slit, as are the buttocks-again, large and round. She is faceless, with almost no neck, and rounded dots covering her head as her hair. In reality, I believe it is approximately 2 inches tall and a reddish, brown clay color.
My sculpture mimics this pretty well, except that it is about 4-5 inches tall and I have "removed" one breast - showing a "Frankenstein-like" scar covering the missing breast on the chest. I also made it with a simple coiled vase, that is purposely made to enhance the idea of the pieces being very old, and made by cavemen-era artists.
Anyway, when I let the gal know that I had successfully retrieved the pieces with her help/guidance, the truth as to why they had been missing came out.
I don't know what the other art staff thought of my piece, but when she shared with them that I was/am a 6 year cancer survivor and fighter - going through treatment again - I guess "their heads hung low" according to her.
Somehow I guess they saw it as something quite different than a prehistoric breast cancer victim. My title for the piece is "Another Surviving Venus," and the show's focus was on the body - of humans, Christ, your interpretation. I was sort of amused at the reaction; that it was censored that way, and the "guilty" feelings that were apparently felt upon learning the story about my piece's creation and comparison to the prehistoric piece, and breast cancer survivorship.
People are funny, aren't they? Art is in the eye of the beholder. And your eye sees whatever you see easily, I guess. Whatever you are hung up about, or find attractive or ... you know. My painting, in contrast, is a beautiful composition of the "victory" angel, several large California poppies, with patterns, repeated prints, in primarily teal/blue greens and golden browns and oranges. It is not offensive in any way (at least, not so far; it even won 2nd place in local show).
I was intrigued by the whole turn of events and things like that always open my eyes, make me think and mull things over. I think about how we are all similar, yet made so different by our experiences and interpretations of them...and how those initial views can even change over time.
I know for me, for example, learning forgiveness was a liberating, spiritual-growth inducing "tool". It was very diificult for me to accept that forgiveness - of someone who had violated me terribly, for example - was not only in line with what God asks of us, but was also the healthiest, and kindest thing I could do FOR MYSELF. Forgiveness is not "just for the other person" - it is really for you to trust God to handle that person and take yourself off the hook, of guilt, anger, shame, pain - whatever feelings you're having - and let yourself move on. To me, forgiveness is saying to that person (directly or not), I forgive you because I cannot hold these painful feelings close to my heart anymore, and I trust God to work with you as He sees fit. I forgive you because it's what God asks me to do, and because I believe in God to help me heal once I have done this. And by not forgiving, I continue to give that person who wounded me, permission to continue wounding me. I cannot have a true relationship with God, and I cannot heal, if I don't forgive. I cannot grow if I won't "let go".
Anyhow, this whole thing with my art pieces took my mind on this direction and so I am sharing it with you.
I'm glad for experiences that help me grow, even if at first, I don't understand or they are painful. I trust my God today, I believe He will carry me if I need Him too; I just have to remember to let Him.
With Gratitude For All-
Elizabeth Gregory
Friday, August 14, 2009
Back To School Almost!
Well! I have just spent the last few days with family running around and prepping my children for our inevitable return to school, which for the kids begins August 24th.
However, I am also a re-entry college student working on completing my BA degree in Fine Art and Design. My classes begin, (a little gulp) on Monday of this next week...in about four days!
I am always a bit full of anticipation, low-grade anxiety, sharpened senses with new pens, note pads, lists and schedules, every year when the new school year starts. But, this year it is even more so -- due to my present status as an active cancer patient.
I mean, here I am, a single mother with a 15-almost-16-year-old boy going off to one school, a precocious 10 year old girl going off in another direction to her school, and me heading off to a third school for my own studies (and a bald head this semester). Every year for the last (almost 2 1/2) few years now that's how it has been.
And this year? This year I have the added "status," or "burden," or "title," to bear and to some degree, incorporate - of "active cancer patient" into my role as a student.
For example, Monday morning next week is my first day of classes. I have two classes to attend; one being a studio (art) class which means it will run approximately 4 hours long. The second class is a "normal" academic class of about one hour.
Instead of just getting to show up prepared and ready to start the new semester, I have the uneasy duty of approaching each instructor of my new classes (a total of four classes/instructors) and "plead my case on my chemotherapy scedule vs class for my first 30 days of school."
Because it looks like my numbers are dropping (the tumor/cancer markers) so quickly (which is fantastic), I am expecting I may only have to continue with chemo for about 6 to 8 more weeks. This puts me into about October and of course the semester runs until December.
My goal is to present this situation to my class instructors; especially those whose classes fall on Monday (that being my normal chemo day), and ask for adaptation in some way for that first 30 to 50 days. An adaptation to miss some or all of class on that day, or another day they prefer, during the week (since the classes are scheduled at 2 or 3 periods per week). I'm certain I can keep up, as long as they allow me to try. My top concern is that they will assume it is "too hard" for someone going through chemo to do - and now that I'm over that bacterial infection, I have to say I feel almost like my old self again! - and I don't want to be told NO. I want the chance to make it work...I'm going to fight for that because I need it.
I need it because I believe I can do this. I feel strong enough so far. I need to stay on schedule to transfer to the four year collge as originally planned; I've already lost a year's time on that because this cancer was creeping up on me in various ways without honestly shouting out "hey, it's cancer over here! - which caused me some de-railing by having to drop from full time to three quarter time in two different semesters, which adds up.
So next week, for example, I've post-poned my chemo until Wednesday in order to attend each of the first day of my four classes to get credit for attendance (for grant $)and explain my plight; and hopefully, get approval (and find some student friends/note takers) with whom I can coordinate to help pull myself along. Then, I will miss the next set of classes Wed. In order to get the chemo, be wiped out for that day, and pull myself together for Thursday. My best course of action may be to ask and see if my oncologist can "chemo-me" on Fridays instead, since I have no classed at all on Fridays. Hhmmmmm....
I also have to go up to the campus tomorrow to see if I can get the emergency book loan grant tomorrow. If I wait until Monday they will be all gone (learned from experience) and I will need this desperately this year because I have to buy a used camera for photog class asap, as well as books. But the camera is more expensive & harder to find than used books on Amazon or Cheap Books dot com.
Plus, I am still coordinating with 2 friends on driving me to/fro on chemo days still, and picking up my daughter from school on my chemo day (in place of me doing it). Not to mention the dinner to cook, homework to do, pets to be fed/walked, etc.
Do I sound crazy? Like I'm taking on more than I can chew? Maybe I am....but I feel capable. I feel like I must try because I still see myself in this cancer business as temporary. And, I'd rather "start at the top" so to speak, with a full time load; in order that, if necessary, I could pull out from one class if I must. Much easier than to try to add one back in.
I know it's a lot to do... it is every semester. Yes, I know I will have less energy and be more "fragile" in my stamina, and over all health. But, I really believe in me! And as long as I can encourage others to see that spark in me (passing over my bald head under my hat), I think this will be a great challenge!
So, I'm nervous! I'm excited! And, I'm asking God to help me. Asking that He provides me the awareness I need to know when I'm going overboard so I can recognize when I have to slow down, or step off. I'm asking God to put people in my path who will be allies, who will believe in me too, who will encourage, accommodate, and help me participate in my success that together, they can help me overcome this cancer stepping stone I have to step over to reach my goals that I have for me and that will benefit my children. The Lord has been so good to me, and has provided me with so much treasure, measured in the goodness of others--their kindnesses, supportiveness, their cooperation and their strength and prayers. I am so blessed to know God and Jesus and the Holy Ghost - and all the people God sends to me to help me in my journey.
I am anticipating with some anxiety the beginning of my next set of classes but I am holding hands with the Lord and Jesus and I know that they will carry me if I need them to. I believe now, that in some ways this journey of mine is somehow, someway going to end up being another true testimony to the glory of God's mercy, His grace and the healing powers of Jesus Christ, who is truly my saviour. He can be yours too, did you know that? Jesus and God...they are as close to you as you want to be to them! So all you have to do is invite them in to your life. Ask the Lord, ask Jesus, for their help, unreservedly, and tell them your troubles; they are always waiting, and listening for those who want to reach to them.
Isn't THAT a blessing??!! What a fabulous, glorious true thing that is. I used to wait for God; and complain a lot. Like, "oh, why me God?!" And "oh poor me God!" And then, I'd sit there and wait. I didn't "give" very much to God acting that way, and God's a busy guy...I didn't get much in return with my whiney, stinky attitude either. But here and there, now and again, I was given some truly great gifts (details for another story-long story's) that to me were clear-cut, definitive gifts directly from the Lord...and I suddenly came to believe in this power that was called God (for me) and that I needed to make a proper, real relationship with Him. And so, I did.
And it has been worth every single moment of every second doing it, ten-fold and more. And thank you for loving me and blessing me as you have God! Some of my "blessings" - like having cancer (which isn't itself a real blessing to me) but it's the experiences of love, and growth, and personal life experiences that I get to enjoy, that I wouldn't know, if I hadn't had cancer. It's being able to see how God is moulding me, shaping me, to be of value to Him and others because I've had this experience of cancer. There are rainbows behind every dark cloud if only you will take the time to believe and look for them.
So! I'm trotting off to college again next week (at 48 years of age), in the middle of chemotherapy, with God holding my hand and my children following "behind" as we all go back to school. I've got a great group started; me, my kids and God - and I expect God will help me out along the way with the people I need to help my children and I find our way through this semester successfully...and for me to kick this cancer's be-hiney once and for final-ly!!
Wish me luck, okay! (Please!) 'Cause I'm pretty sure I'm going to need a bit of that stuff too. (:^D
With Gratitude for All-
Elizabeth Gregory
However, I am also a re-entry college student working on completing my BA degree in Fine Art and Design. My classes begin, (a little gulp) on Monday of this next week...in about four days!
I am always a bit full of anticipation, low-grade anxiety, sharpened senses with new pens, note pads, lists and schedules, every year when the new school year starts. But, this year it is even more so -- due to my present status as an active cancer patient.
I mean, here I am, a single mother with a 15-almost-16-year-old boy going off to one school, a precocious 10 year old girl going off in another direction to her school, and me heading off to a third school for my own studies (and a bald head this semester). Every year for the last (almost 2 1/2) few years now that's how it has been.
And this year? This year I have the added "status," or "burden," or "title," to bear and to some degree, incorporate - of "active cancer patient" into my role as a student.
For example, Monday morning next week is my first day of classes. I have two classes to attend; one being a studio (art) class which means it will run approximately 4 hours long. The second class is a "normal" academic class of about one hour.
Instead of just getting to show up prepared and ready to start the new semester, I have the uneasy duty of approaching each instructor of my new classes (a total of four classes/instructors) and "plead my case on my chemotherapy scedule vs class for my first 30 days of school."
Because it looks like my numbers are dropping (the tumor/cancer markers) so quickly (which is fantastic), I am expecting I may only have to continue with chemo for about 6 to 8 more weeks. This puts me into about October and of course the semester runs until December.
My goal is to present this situation to my class instructors; especially those whose classes fall on Monday (that being my normal chemo day), and ask for adaptation in some way for that first 30 to 50 days. An adaptation to miss some or all of class on that day, or another day they prefer, during the week (since the classes are scheduled at 2 or 3 periods per week). I'm certain I can keep up, as long as they allow me to try. My top concern is that they will assume it is "too hard" for someone going through chemo to do - and now that I'm over that bacterial infection, I have to say I feel almost like my old self again! - and I don't want to be told NO. I want the chance to make it work...I'm going to fight for that because I need it.
I need it because I believe I can do this. I feel strong enough so far. I need to stay on schedule to transfer to the four year collge as originally planned; I've already lost a year's time on that because this cancer was creeping up on me in various ways without honestly shouting out "hey, it's cancer over here! - which caused me some de-railing by having to drop from full time to three quarter time in two different semesters, which adds up.
So next week, for example, I've post-poned my chemo until Wednesday in order to attend each of the first day of my four classes to get credit for attendance (for grant $)and explain my plight; and hopefully, get approval (and find some student friends/note takers) with whom I can coordinate to help pull myself along. Then, I will miss the next set of classes Wed. In order to get the chemo, be wiped out for that day, and pull myself together for Thursday. My best course of action may be to ask and see if my oncologist can "chemo-me" on Fridays instead, since I have no classed at all on Fridays. Hhmmmmm....
I also have to go up to the campus tomorrow to see if I can get the emergency book loan grant tomorrow. If I wait until Monday they will be all gone (learned from experience) and I will need this desperately this year because I have to buy a used camera for photog class asap, as well as books. But the camera is more expensive & harder to find than used books on Amazon or Cheap Books dot com.
Plus, I am still coordinating with 2 friends on driving me to/fro on chemo days still, and picking up my daughter from school on my chemo day (in place of me doing it). Not to mention the dinner to cook, homework to do, pets to be fed/walked, etc.
Do I sound crazy? Like I'm taking on more than I can chew? Maybe I am....but I feel capable. I feel like I must try because I still see myself in this cancer business as temporary. And, I'd rather "start at the top" so to speak, with a full time load; in order that, if necessary, I could pull out from one class if I must. Much easier than to try to add one back in.
I know it's a lot to do... it is every semester. Yes, I know I will have less energy and be more "fragile" in my stamina, and over all health. But, I really believe in me! And as long as I can encourage others to see that spark in me (passing over my bald head under my hat), I think this will be a great challenge!
So, I'm nervous! I'm excited! And, I'm asking God to help me. Asking that He provides me the awareness I need to know when I'm going overboard so I can recognize when I have to slow down, or step off. I'm asking God to put people in my path who will be allies, who will believe in me too, who will encourage, accommodate, and help me participate in my success that together, they can help me overcome this cancer stepping stone I have to step over to reach my goals that I have for me and that will benefit my children. The Lord has been so good to me, and has provided me with so much treasure, measured in the goodness of others--their kindnesses, supportiveness, their cooperation and their strength and prayers. I am so blessed to know God and Jesus and the Holy Ghost - and all the people God sends to me to help me in my journey.
I am anticipating with some anxiety the beginning of my next set of classes but I am holding hands with the Lord and Jesus and I know that they will carry me if I need them to. I believe now, that in some ways this journey of mine is somehow, someway going to end up being another true testimony to the glory of God's mercy, His grace and the healing powers of Jesus Christ, who is truly my saviour. He can be yours too, did you know that? Jesus and God...they are as close to you as you want to be to them! So all you have to do is invite them in to your life. Ask the Lord, ask Jesus, for their help, unreservedly, and tell them your troubles; they are always waiting, and listening for those who want to reach to them.
Isn't THAT a blessing??!! What a fabulous, glorious true thing that is. I used to wait for God; and complain a lot. Like, "oh, why me God?!" And "oh poor me God!" And then, I'd sit there and wait. I didn't "give" very much to God acting that way, and God's a busy guy...I didn't get much in return with my whiney, stinky attitude either. But here and there, now and again, I was given some truly great gifts (details for another story-long story's) that to me were clear-cut, definitive gifts directly from the Lord...and I suddenly came to believe in this power that was called God (for me) and that I needed to make a proper, real relationship with Him. And so, I did.
And it has been worth every single moment of every second doing it, ten-fold and more. And thank you for loving me and blessing me as you have God! Some of my "blessings" - like having cancer (which isn't itself a real blessing to me) but it's the experiences of love, and growth, and personal life experiences that I get to enjoy, that I wouldn't know, if I hadn't had cancer. It's being able to see how God is moulding me, shaping me, to be of value to Him and others because I've had this experience of cancer. There are rainbows behind every dark cloud if only you will take the time to believe and look for them.
So! I'm trotting off to college again next week (at 48 years of age), in the middle of chemotherapy, with God holding my hand and my children following "behind" as we all go back to school. I've got a great group started; me, my kids and God - and I expect God will help me out along the way with the people I need to help my children and I find our way through this semester successfully...and for me to kick this cancer's be-hiney once and for final-ly!!
Wish me luck, okay! (Please!) 'Cause I'm pretty sure I'm going to need a bit of that stuff too. (:^D
With Gratitude for All-
Elizabeth Gregory
Friday, August 7, 2009
Well, I've been sick...
"Well, I"ve been sick" sounds like a funny (odd) thing to say when you're going through cancer treatment! But, that's what happened and was probably a predictable result to going to Disneyland and traipsing around there like nobody's business. As a result, exhausted as I was even with resting daily and using the electric scooter - I still picked up somebody else's little germie that hitchhiked on home with me, and boy, packed a bit of a wallop, it did!
One thing to be cautious of all you cancer caregivers and patients - if your temperature starts rising at all - go to the hospital asap! My oncologist was crystal clear about this during my first time with chemo, six years ago, and thank the Lord that I heard it and paid attention! Because one day, boom! A little sore throat, 98 degrees jumped to 99 and then 100 - all within a few hours, and I was on a very strong medicine that cut the germ off at the pass, so to speak.
And, lo and behold, the same thing again about the third day home from the trip. This time I was so exhausted I guess that my mental status was affected somewhat because I really only remember a wee part at the emergency room, and the drive there and back. I also get emotional when I am sick so I cry everything instead of talk, which annoys and embarasses me terribly. So, of course I try to choke the tears back, swallowing hard - which makes the sore throat hurt more - and apologize constantly, when I really shouldn't worry about it I guess, cause I am sick. I mean, what the hey?! I don't feel so good. I should allow myself the right to cry and be a bit of a baby about feeling sick without beating myself up for it. Really girl! Sometimes I'm just a nut.
Anyway, I'm onto my third-ish day now of the rescue medicine and my hoarse voice is starting to return to a normal growl, and I'm less wiped out every time I get up or down. I was so short of breath for a while there that just standing up made me almost pant. Sometimes I think I'm "too strong" for my own good because I probably should have immediately rested for two or three days upon return home, instead of running around putting everything away like normal. I like to forget I am dealing with cancer sometimes because I don't intend to be this way forever, or even for much longer. As I've said before, I expect this is a temporary situation where I am learning and growing; whereby I will be healed and healthy again when all is said and done.
So, I'm pacing myself and therefore, this will be a short post so that I can keep resting.
Thankfully, I am getting better and that's a blessing!
With Gratitude for All-
Elizabeth Gregory
One thing to be cautious of all you cancer caregivers and patients - if your temperature starts rising at all - go to the hospital asap! My oncologist was crystal clear about this during my first time with chemo, six years ago, and thank the Lord that I heard it and paid attention! Because one day, boom! A little sore throat, 98 degrees jumped to 99 and then 100 - all within a few hours, and I was on a very strong medicine that cut the germ off at the pass, so to speak.
And, lo and behold, the same thing again about the third day home from the trip. This time I was so exhausted I guess that my mental status was affected somewhat because I really only remember a wee part at the emergency room, and the drive there and back. I also get emotional when I am sick so I cry everything instead of talk, which annoys and embarasses me terribly. So, of course I try to choke the tears back, swallowing hard - which makes the sore throat hurt more - and apologize constantly, when I really shouldn't worry about it I guess, cause I am sick. I mean, what the hey?! I don't feel so good. I should allow myself the right to cry and be a bit of a baby about feeling sick without beating myself up for it. Really girl! Sometimes I'm just a nut.
Anyway, I'm onto my third-ish day now of the rescue medicine and my hoarse voice is starting to return to a normal growl, and I'm less wiped out every time I get up or down. I was so short of breath for a while there that just standing up made me almost pant. Sometimes I think I'm "too strong" for my own good because I probably should have immediately rested for two or three days upon return home, instead of running around putting everything away like normal. I like to forget I am dealing with cancer sometimes because I don't intend to be this way forever, or even for much longer. As I've said before, I expect this is a temporary situation where I am learning and growing; whereby I will be healed and healthy again when all is said and done.
So, I'm pacing myself and therefore, this will be a short post so that I can keep resting.
Thankfully, I am getting better and that's a blessing!
With Gratitude for All-
Elizabeth Gregory
Monday, August 3, 2009
Halleluiah!
Halleluiah is my word for today! I am sitting in the chemo chair at this very moment, receiving Taxol, for the first time in three weeks. So, halleluiah, halleluiah, halleluiah!
My chemo nurse today is a wonderful woman named Phea (fee-ya). She did all my treatments six years ago; now it gets rotated between Phea and another nurse named Diane.
Phea and I always have little debates. About which vein she is allowed to use. This is one of the reasons I had gotten my port; which, by the way, is getting replaced this Thursday because somehow it turned itself backwards, and now, it doesn't work.
So Phea and I had one of our little discussions. I love Phea to death, she is kind and caring...but she is still a nurse with a needle. That scares me. You know, I gave blood for ten years in my twenties and I never was afraid of getting stuck. I am now! I guess going through so many nurses, when you are a person who has hidden, tiny veins, who have trouble finding your vein and poke you in all the wrong places-it gets to you. So, here's poor Phea, trying to do her job, and I'm telling her she can only use this one vein over here and that's that! I get so distressed that I cry, and I become shaky. She is so gentle though, I really had nothing to worry about. So I am not looking forward to Thursday because another nurse will come at me with another I.V. needle. That's why the port is a great help-it's a piece of cake getting the needle in through that; much easier than it is getting a vein in my arm. I recommend a port for anyone who has trouble with their veins being hard to find and difficult to access.
Back on track for now, thank goodness. My college classes start in two weeks and I will have to see how much the instructors will accommodate my chemo schedule. Otherwise, I'll have to be a half time student. I am a reciepient of a small scholarship, and I will attend that ceremony Friday morning of this week. I'll be wearing my wig for that event.
So I'm off to visualize the cancer getting popped/bursting/destroyed from this chemo. Burst, pop, destroy. The Taxol treatment is in town cancer, and is calling you out! Die, die, die and I will be alive and thrive.
Have a very blessed day!
With Gratitude for all -
Elizabeth Gregory, Cancer Warrior
My chemo nurse today is a wonderful woman named Phea (fee-ya). She did all my treatments six years ago; now it gets rotated between Phea and another nurse named Diane.
Phea and I always have little debates. About which vein she is allowed to use. This is one of the reasons I had gotten my port; which, by the way, is getting replaced this Thursday because somehow it turned itself backwards, and now, it doesn't work.
So Phea and I had one of our little discussions. I love Phea to death, she is kind and caring...but she is still a nurse with a needle. That scares me. You know, I gave blood for ten years in my twenties and I never was afraid of getting stuck. I am now! I guess going through so many nurses, when you are a person who has hidden, tiny veins, who have trouble finding your vein and poke you in all the wrong places-it gets to you. So, here's poor Phea, trying to do her job, and I'm telling her she can only use this one vein over here and that's that! I get so distressed that I cry, and I become shaky. She is so gentle though, I really had nothing to worry about. So I am not looking forward to Thursday because another nurse will come at me with another I.V. needle. That's why the port is a great help-it's a piece of cake getting the needle in through that; much easier than it is getting a vein in my arm. I recommend a port for anyone who has trouble with their veins being hard to find and difficult to access.
Back on track for now, thank goodness. My college classes start in two weeks and I will have to see how much the instructors will accommodate my chemo schedule. Otherwise, I'll have to be a half time student. I am a reciepient of a small scholarship, and I will attend that ceremony Friday morning of this week. I'll be wearing my wig for that event.
So I'm off to visualize the cancer getting popped/bursting/destroyed from this chemo. Burst, pop, destroy. The Taxol treatment is in town cancer, and is calling you out! Die, die, die and I will be alive and thrive.
Have a very blessed day!
With Gratitude for all -
Elizabeth Gregory, Cancer Warrior
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Accomplishments
Well, it's late Sunday evening and I feel that I have accomplished a lot this week. Taking a four day trip to southern California from where I live in central California, and back again, was quite a feat. Thankfully, as I have previously mentioned, I had the help from my wonderfully helpful mother. I would not have been able to do this trip alone with my daughter and her friend (as was originally planned) without her help.As it was, with her help I was provided the use of an electric scooter for the 1 and 1/2 actual days at Disneyland. This enabled me to avoid the constant walking and standing which my legs presently will not tolerate much of. I did walk to/from the Disneyland Hotel to the monorail and railroad loading areas, and walked to the car and to dinner and such. Even that was hard though, and my body let me know in several ways and I listened.
The main way was heat. Quickly overheating with not much effort. Where I live it is generally much cooler and a lot less humid; so when I go walking every day I am dealing with relatively pleasant weather. I had forgotten how hot concrete and buildings and asphalt made everything. It bakes the sun right back at you and holds the heat around you. I get to enjoy rolling hills, open spaces, trees galore, oceans nearby and much more temperate weather. My point being, I was really hot!
Sweat pouring down my face at the slightest exertion, my ball cap loosely placed on my head, and sometimes completely off - I mean, did I care what people thought who I was never going to see again? Or, did I want cool air? Cool air won out every single time. As did the water rides! Anything that gave us a good soak, boy, we were up for that. Thankfully, having a wheelchair or electric scooter often moved you into the front of the line, with minimal waiting once there. So we were able to get on and off rides pretty quickly.
My biggest mistake was thinking I could take on Space Mountain. Yes, I rode it. Yes, I was hurting not just after, but about 10 seconds into the speed part of the ride kicking in. I closed my eyes throughout the entire thing after about another 10 seconds because it helped me to focus on what my body needed me to do to cope. That was really hard on my entire body but especially my core section. It's hard to explain but it just didn't feel right and I knew I shouldn't be doing it although it was too late to get off.
We also rode the Materhorn, Splash Mountain, Indiana Jones, the Jungle Cruise, the Pirates of the Caribbean....all the "big" classics. We never had time to try the "kiddie" classics like Peter Pan, or Mister Toad's Wild Ride, or the Tea Cups because by the time we had ridden the bigger ones, we were all so hot that we stopped for lunch at an outside cafe area in the newer California Theme Park. Thinking we would try the rides on that side once we ate, we all agreed that everyone preferred the pool and a break instead. I had already planned that I would take a nap during these pool excursions, which I did. The second day there (the main Disney park day), I slept for about 2 1/2 hours and could have probably slept another hour or two more, but it was back to the park.
We did some shopping, we had time for more rides at the main Disney park and then had dinner. We watched the fireworks event which was incredible! I was enchanted (really!) by Tinkerbell flying around and the Disney star sweeping across the sky just like on the Disney ad's on tv. It was truly breathtaking and beautiful and spectacular. By the time we got back to the hotel, it was almost 11 pm. I think we all got to bed by 11:30pm. Since we had gotten up and out of the door to the park at about 7:30 am - we had a very, very long day.
Due to that, we slept in a bit more than we had planned too. To my surprise, the kids were harder to get up than I was. We ended up only doing three rides at the California Theme Park because by now my body was grumbling at me. I must say that the Grizzly Rapids ride is great for a good dunking to cool off (and fun too), but my favorite ride that we took on that side of the park was the Soaring Over California ride. Imagine being in the seat of a hanglider - the kind where you sit up vs. laying horizontally - and you are suspended in the air (in a long row with about 10 people per row). As you are suspended there, an enormous movie screen begins to play ariel views (like flying) of deserts, mountains, beaches, and all of them obviously representing sites in California. People were also shown in the "movie" which you became a part of because you were flown in such a way that you felt that you were flying with them, or surfing with them, or skiing, etc. A bird's eye view that included wind being blown at you, ups, downs, turns, smells of orange groves, pine trees, beaches, etc. It was exquisite to me. I loved it. I would do that in a heart beat if there was a real life way of riding the wind like the way that ride does it. What an amazing experience; that ride alone was worth going, it was that incredible.
Anyhow, we finished with that part of the park because it was just too darn hot over there. They don't have any trees really planted on that side for some reason. I also knew I couldn't even think about attempting the huge roller coaster or the dropping rides that plunge you some 6 stories before you stop and bounce up and down for a while. I learned my lesson on Space Mountain.
All in all, it was a wonderful experience and I was blessed that my mother cared enough and had the means to make sure that I could cope through it by supporting me with the electric scooter, the pool-time/nap breaks, and supporting me by watching the kids whenever I asked; even when I didn't ask, she was there, helping. Thanks Mom! I couldn't have done it without you.
And so, my daughter, her friend, my mother and I - we all built wonderful memories from this trip because of her support. I treasure stuff like that. I know that it is events like these that make my life truly rich. It's not money - that's rich, but not soul rich. Money is a necessary evil, and it is a blessing, as long as people use it to help themselves to help others along the way. That's what I believe anyway. If I ever won or earned or somehow got a hold of a million dollars, I already know what charities, and what ways I would bless others with what I was given. Of course my family would be made comfortable, bills would be paid in full, money would be carefully set aside for the future - and charities that I believe in - would also be helped. I have a great heart that way and I would be so happy to be able to "gift" that way some day...how much joy I would receive in doing that!
So, I find myself "newly rich" in spirit from this trip, and looking forward to getting chemo tomorrow! At least, I hope so. I know this sounds odd, but I really want to see my treatment get back on track, even though I am already confident that I am being healed through God's blessing too. I have been praying non-stop for healing and I am sure that my prayer's are being answered because even though I am sore from all the activities over the last four days, my body feels healthier overall. I realize this may sound like a contradiction to the feelings I just described earlier about overheating, being tired out, etc. but I don't know how else to say it. I feel worn out from the trip because I am weakened from battling this cancer off, but I feel like I am winning the battle too. It's hard to explain...I just feel it.
I spent most of today in bed, recuperating and renewing my strength. I'm up late because of that; whenever I get a nap in, it's often harder for me to fall asleep later on. Oh well, it's no big deal really, at least I'm getting the rest as I need it.
I'm thankful for my family, and I'm thankful for my friends. I'm thankful that this time around in my cancer journey I can be positive and find things I can be thankful for. Last time I was not as positive, optimistic or leaning on faith and I suffered in some ways for it. I was grimly determined and that got me through, but the quality of my life was not at all near what it is today. I am thankful for that too.
Today, I am thankful that I get to be thankful.
With Gratitude For All -
Elizabeth Gregory
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