Thursday, July 30, 2009

Traveling With Cancer

I am on vacation with my Mom, daughter and her friend, Willie S., in Anaheim, CA so we can go to Disneyland!

This is a trip I would be excited about no matter what because I love Disneyland (hereafter described as "DL" or "dland") and have loved it since I was a child. We lived nearby as I was growing up and "back in the day" you could go to dland all day/night for about the cost of one book of tickets and $20 spending money. It was something we went to several times in the summer months, as well as several times throughout the rest of the year. Dland is playing, freedom, fun, imagination, creation, family, friends, bonding time, memories, happiness, awe and wonder. Oh yeah, a place where dreams are too.

We are here - now - because we had planned this trip for my daughter's 10th birthday, before my diagnosis. This is her first trip and I would not miss it for anything. I could not have done this at all without the help and support of my mother! She is the one who put this together and into reality for us. I am so grateful to have a loving and supportive family. I am especially grateful that my mother and I have an open and loving relationship. I treasure that! I am thankful that I have a mother and that we get to be a part of each other's lives.

It wasn't too long ago that I did not have a relationship with a majority of my family due to my alcoholism. I was really missing out on the best this world has to offer me - my family - they are the best.
And, because I am a mother, I was determined to have this trip go on as scheduled, cancer or not. I couldn't miss my girl's first dland trip. No way! And, here we are - my mom, me, and my daughter - creating our own memories of the three of us together (sorry Willie! It's a girl thing :-). I am thrilled to have this opportunity.

Every moment counts. Every minute is a new minute and you can use it or lose it. Even if I was feeling really rotten, I would still have stumbled along on this so I could be a part of this family bonding process. Cancer is not allowed to rob me of my life and life experiences! At least, not while I'm in still charge and God and my family are on my side. I know this cancer is simply a phase for growing and learning. A time to renew my optimistic outlook in life. A time to get positive and focused on the real priorities of life. A time to appreciate situations; like this trip to dland even with cancer, like teaching others that "what may have been/the way things once were" are not any longer! That people and relationships get opportunities to grow and change. And because people take advantage of those opportunities, they DO grow and change and relationships blossom like never before.

On this trip we've been able to spend time with other family too. We've seen my dad and his wife, my brother Tom and his family, and I have enjoyed every minute of it. I hope they have too. Being invited to spend time at my brother's house was deeply meaningful as it has been some time since that has happened. How proud I am of my brother (all my siblings, really!) and how deserving he is. A kind, thoughtful, doting dad is he, working so hard and so dedicated to his family. I love my family, each and every one.

Back to travel - since that was my topic! My body has behaved pretty well so far. I had a hard, a pretty hard, time coming back up the stairs from the beach visit. I had to go slow. I was the last one up. My heart was pounding, my head was incredibly hot, sweat started pouring down my face and I felt weak, even dizzy a bit. I was taking in slow, deep breaths, and (did I mention) I was going slow. Twenty-odd stairs and I was worn out. Really slow! THAT'S how the cancer tries to "get" me. I fight back by taking it. (What?)slow, and easy; by resting afterward for a while (like at least an hour), and keeping my head cool. Wet cloths make a huge, enormous difference in helping to cool off your neck and head. Much faster than just laying down in a cool (about 64 degrees cool!) room. Drink a lot of cool water just a few swallows at at time. Renewal happens. Slowly, but it comes.

Tomorrow is the BIG day; if possible, a full day at dland. We've been told to check in at the "city hall" (inside dland grounds) in order to get the "electric cart" (my hope) or the wheelchair (less my hope) for my benefit. City Hall is also the place to get the "quick pass" (my name, not dland's) that takes you pretty much to the front of the line for every ride, avoiding the long lines) completely. That is what will make the enormous difference of barely making it through a few hours, or making it through most of the day. I wouldn't be able to pull this off too well without that special help and I am thankful it is available.

So here I am, making good memories with my family; especially my daughter and my mom (and Willie, sorry there, Willie :) while I have this nasty cancer.

Speaking of that nasty c-thing, I'm going to end by saying that my prayers' are now consisting of several Psalms on overcoming fear, asking for healing and help, gratitude, love and praise for God; as well as my own prayers which include my belief that this is a temporary time, the cancer is being defeated as I write, that every moment of every day I am healing, re-generating, and getting well, that my love and faith for God are growing throughout this process, and, I pray for others and their trials also.

Disneyland may be great, but God is ever more great, and without whom, I would not be where I am today. God has carried me every step along the way, just as He carries me now.

I love you God and thank you for being the Head of my family. What would we ever do without you?!

Well, we wouldn't be at Disneyland, that's for sure!

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Telling My Daughter

Well, I did it.

I did it the best way that I know how, yet it was harder than if I had done it face to face. I told my ten year old daughter over the phone yesterday that the cancer I had dealt with originally back in 2003/2004 had come back a second time.

What a hard, hard thing to have to do. I've waited to tell her all this time (since beginning of June '09) because I had just found out that the cancer had recurred a few days before she was due to leave on her summer break with her grandparents and cousins to go to the east coast (of USA). I didn't want her to worry about me. I didn't want to spoil her time with them by putting this frightening idea in her head until absolutely necessary.

If she had been home for the summer, well then, I would have been upfront with her immediately because I believe that my children (all children actually) have a right to hear truth and not be lied to (and so, having to wait was very hard on me...feeling like I was lying...although I knew in this case it was a benefit to her).

I think that children know anyway, they can sense when something is wrong (like when a parent is fighting cancer) and rather than let their heads go wild with worry, speculation and resentment at being "ignored, left out, not included" in the process, I choose to give them age appropriate information. This doesn't mean that my kids have to hear every "gory" detail, every word shared by the doctors and me. When I say "honesty," it's in relation to my kids ages and my having to impart bad news - like having active cancer again.

For example, this means that (a) they are told I have it, and "how" I have it - in general- where it is in my body (like bones, or breasts, or other organs), and (b) they are given the basics of the treatment I will be receiving to fight it (chemo, radiation, hormonal etc), and (c) how I feel about this happening; my optimism, how it may or may not change/impact them (in day to day activities) and our family routine. This helps me to offer reassurance and share with them who is going to be around more helping us during this period of time (ie., family, friends, services like Meals On Wheels that come by daily, etc).

As I've mentioned before in my writing, I believe knowledge is power and so I give that to my children. I want to make it clear though, that I do not over burden my children either. They get what information they need that helps their minds to cope, but not so much that I place my burden upon them to carry for me!

It was time to tell her because she will be home in two days and will see my bald head (or wig) for herself. I was able to tell her that I feel better than I did from February to May, and that was a good thing, because it shows that I'm getting the right treatment and its working already.

However, she is very downcast over my hair loss. It's more than just wanting me to look like her "regular mommy". Hair loss represents sickness, being different/not normal, doctors this and that everywhere, "people knowing" that Mom has cancer, and probably even more than that. I feel bad for her about that. I tried to help her have some perspective by gently reminding her that - What if I got well and.... my hair never came back, then what? Answer: WHO CARES?! The main thing is in being alive! I know she appreciates this, yet the missing hair represents more to her - what I stated above plus I'm sure her fear of her mom dying, I think. So just having to see me without hair is really stressful.

But that was on Friday. Today (Saturday) she was relatively back to normal (kids ARE so resilient!) and that was great to hear. I'm thankful that God is helping her.

Tomorrow is Sunday and that means a blood draw/test and then church. I go to church to be close to God, not necessarily to join an organized religion (although I am happy to "join" as long as I am allowed my beliefs). I look forward to it as an opportunity to talk to God, to hear God talk to me through others, to share in the joy of having a loving relationship with God (instead of one like I was taught at our church growing up where God was going to punish you for breathing wrong), and to get to worship God through singing. I'm not at all a great (or even good) singer but singing hits me at an emotional level and I cry a lot at church because I still feel like I'm getting cleansed of all my alcoholic "shame's" (bad deeds, hurtful people, attacks made upon me, humiliations, and pain/suffering I caused on those who love me and had to worry about me). I look forward to having the prayer team pray for me and my family; to help me overcome my difficulties, that my victory may bear witness testimony of what God's grace can do. I've been a miracle of God many times before...is there a limit on how many times I can be a miracle? I really hope that the answer is no!

I will pray that God gives my children everything they need to help them walk through this difficult time with me; that they have courage, faith, hope, strength, friends who care & support & protect them (especially at school) and that they have peace in their hearts. I will also pray that God gives me all the right words to say to help them, gives me the right actions to show them, and gives me anything else He thinks I might need to support them through this so that each of us will live on, and grow stronger, because of walking through this in faith.

May God bless each of them, my family and friends, and every single one of you out there as you read this - in whatever way you need His blessing(s) the very most.

Is God is good? ALL THE TIME!
Amen!

With Gratitude For You,
Elizabeth

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

It's happening. My hair is finally starting to fall out. But, this is what I shaved my head for, in preparation for, back in the beginning of this treatment plan in late June '09.

When I knew chemo was a day away from beginning, my dear friend "R" came over with her hair clippers at my request, and we shaved my head. No, it wasn't a concentration camp hairstyle I was after, nor was I attempting to punish myself. I know from prior chemo/radiation experience (that, for me, at least), this would be the best choice I could make for myself, to keep myself the most comfortable, positive and serene.

For those of you who haven't walked through hair loss, or who aren't going to be (a caregiver, family member or a friend), hair loss can be a very traumatic thing. For me, the worst part of the whole process the last time I had to do it, was waking up to find large clumps (and, I mean large!) of hair on my pillow, sometimes in my mouth or stuck to my face (from night sweats). It was easier for me to "beat up" on myself about my appearance when I could reach into my soft, beautiful blonde hair - and come away with my fist, full of hair sticking out every which way, every time I did it.

The problem is that it comes out rather patchy. One area is still nicely attached with no loose hair at all, while another area has almost gone entirely hair free and there is a big, round bald spot, about the size of a fist. This "patchwork quilt" pattern was what I had decided to avoid this time around. Oh, I did end up shaving my head last time too - but it was after the psychological punch had been thrown (and received, very depressing). So, it was late in coming, and my head was also horribly tender and sore by that stage, so it was also a somewhat painful procedure that I had to tip-toe through.

With that experience in mind, I planned ahead this time and as stated already, did the dirty deed of proactively "shaving" (hair clipper-ing) my hair off BEFORE there was pain, before the hot flashes began, before my scalp became tender (or really itchy as I'm experiencing now) and mostly, before my hair would "do that to me again" and come out in chunks.

And so, my hair is falling out. As I expected it would. And because I made decisions that, for me, mentally and emotionally prepared me (and likely due to having had this experience before as well), I'm actually doing really well!

I discovered this (hair loss)as I was finishing eating my lunch yesterday. While having my tasty lunch from Meals On Wheels, (a non-profit organization staffed by volunteers, that supply a meal daily to those in need because they are shut-ins, disabled, undergoing incapacitating health problems, cancer treatment, and much more), and nearing completion of my last few bites - I suddenly thought, "Gee, there is like 3 hairs in my food!". For a split second I thought "uh oh!" but then, I reached up and gave my head a vigorous rub and wha-la! Like the moment from the movie in "The Breakfast Club," where Ally Sheedy's character rubs her head to get her dandruff to fall over her newly drawn picture (to look like snow), there was my little brown stubs! (Yes, I am a bottled blonde these days although I was a blondie as a baby.) All over every where! Needless to say, I threw out the rest of my lunch, having no desire to eat my hair (again).

I will be bald again and that's okay! I know how to deal with it better this time around. I don't even always wear my wig or hats this time either. I'm into comfort this time - less prideful (and that doesn't mean "no" pride, either) about worrying what others think, or how normal or attractive I look. There are definite days that I pull out all the stops, make-up, wig, etc.to make myself look as pretty and normal as possible. But there are also many days, that I already feel "pretty and normal" exactly as I am - without hair, a hat or a wig. It's all in the eye of the beholder and I'm the eye I worry about impressing the most today.

Well, I do have "one" other eye I like to impress, and that's my two kids. If they want me to wear a wig for their sense of normalcy, then I make that accommodation. After all, it's not just "all about me." This is just as much a "family" disease as alcoholism or addiction can be - just in very different ways for very different reasons. And yes, people don't condemn people with cancer like they do people with alcoholism, even though they are equally deadly, destructive diseases.

I wonder why that is? I mean, even if you don't believe the scientific community who has establised alcoholsim and addiction as a disease (often with family genes that are predisposing a person to the condition - like some cancers), I think everyone who has ever dealt with an "active" (using/drinking) alcoholic/addictive person, can agree that at least when drinking/using - a person is very, very sick. Physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

And, if that can be agreed upon; then we can all agree that drugs and/or alcohol, when abusively used, can damage the body and cause physical harm and illnesses (cirrosis, gout, wet brain/brain damage etc) -- then, why don't sick alcoholics and sick addicted people (I'm avoiding saying "addict" because of the negative connotation I'm addressing here) get more compassion from people? Sick is sick. It doesn't matter really, how one got sick, does it? I know there are people out there who are saying "well, they did that to themselves". Well, what about people who smoke cigarettes for 20 years and get lung cancer? They (arguably) did that to themselves, right? Or, a person with melanoma (skin cancer) - who laid out for years with little to no sunscreen on? Do we say,"oh, that's their own fault! They did that to themselves. They don't deserve our empathy and compassion". No! Most of us (I like to hope) would never treat a sick, ill person so callously. So, again the question, why do we treat people made sick through alcohol or drug addiction that way? Something I encourage people to discuss, think over, and perhaps, re-evaluate within themselves. Is that how Jesus would have acted? Nope. He had compassion for all those afflicted; it didn't matter if it was leprosy, drink, or another disease. He cared about His fellow man.

I think we should too. Hair or no hair! (A wee giggle there!) Seriously though, before you next look on someone who looks differntly than you do, or is sick from any disease at all, put your feet into their shoes and take a walk... You should think and feel differently, with awareness, of how it might feel to be sick like that. Of how frightened a person might just be, from any illness. Maybe this will prevent cruel words, impolite staring, refusals of help based on judgement (are you God? No, I think not), and instead maybe compassion will grow and begin to flow. Kindness will perhaps fill hearts and spill over to flood our streets (Lord knows, our streets need flooding of this kind!). And, people will stop and think before they are rude or unkind, and they will instead reach out to help someone up, instead of trying to knock, or keep, a person down.

What a wonderful thing that would be! So, with my head full of that happy thought, I will leave you for today.

With Gratitude For All-
Elizabeth Gregory

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Another Oops Just In Case

Ok, as I said, I'm still learning how to do this blogger thing.

As I was pointing out the error of my ways (and editing skills), I forgot to note my other error on the "Positively Positive" blog post.

I incorrectly stated the email for Cure magazine, which is a free resource for cancer patients, their family members and caregivers. It is an extremely well written, informative magazine loaded with clinical and laymen's information. I highly recommend it to anyone and everyone with cancer.

The correct web address is: www.curetoday.com

I encourage you to take advantage of this valuable resource.

And once again, my deepest regret and apologies for my error(s) and lack of recent "editing before I post my post so I don't look like an idiot" issues. As I said just a post ago, I promise to slow down, be a good editor to myself (and to you) and catch and fix my typos before posting my posts, from here on out.

I want you to know I can spell, I do have strong grammar skills and I can create decent sentences. It just looks like I can't because I didn't, a couple of times. Forgive me. That wasn't right of me to do, even if I'm excited about sharing information with you. If you can't figure out what I was trying to say because I didn't correct my errors, what good is that?!

Again, my apologies and promise to be a better blogger.

Thanks for giving this newbie another chance.

With Gratitude for You-
Elizabeth Gregory

Ooops!

My apologies to everyone on my last two posts! I didn't take the time to review them before posting, hence, typos and errors...wha-la!

I'll make an effort to slow down and be a a better editor from here on out.

Thanks for bearing with this newbie blogger. I'm still learning!

With Gratitude-
Elizabeth Gregory

Knowledge IS power

Well! I feel SO much better today! Not just because I haven't had chemo two weeks in a row (due to my liver being too distressed), but because I took the time to set a separate appointment just to ask, and get, some questions answered.

My head can go into very dark places if left to it's own devices (it's like going into a bad neighborhood, unarmed and alone). Having learned this the v e r y hardest way over the years, I immediately took some action so I not only won't go into that "bad neighborhood" alone, but this way, I get to avoid it altogether.

So I asked some questions and I got some answers. And, the answers have helped me stay positive and hopeful and optimistic, which is where I need to be every day, as much as is humanly possible.

I asked this: How much do I need to worry/be concerned over missing these 2 treatments? And, What do we do if my liver continues to react severely to Taxol?

My doctor told me this: that, while it is a concern, we have some flexibility here. Because my other drug treatment against the cancer at this time is Avastin (which must be given before any other chemo's in order to be effective), and, it's not as big of a concern (yet) to stop the Taxol, even though my liver is having trouble tolerating it. This is because of the Avastin benefits mostly; because Avastin is given with Taxol. Also, I was happily surprised to learn that 10% of patients get their cancer defeated by Avastin alone. I realize that's not a huge number but hey!, 10% IS 10%. When you're dealing with illness, that means something.

Also, it appears that already the two doses of Taxol that I've received are working! How great is that??!! So, Dr. P said, if it ends up that you can take the Taxol more intermittently than originally planned, it keeps us using the Avastin and, I tolerate it pretty well as far as fatigue and nausea go, which makes it likely that I will be able to continue with my college classes (though likely as half time vs full) and be a "working" mommy -- then that's the plan for now. Dr. P said if we were in a clinical trial, we would only be able to skip 3 weeks in a row before we would be "forced" to switch to another chemo medicine, so I'm thankful that's not the case.

I also had asked for a 2nd opinion on my test results regarding the cancers HER-2 and estrogen & progesterone receptors. After learning (from the first test) that the cancer no longer tested positive for receptors on any one of the three (Her-2, estrogen & progesterone; whic os referred to as "triple negative" cancer) -- I had asked for a second test/second opinion because I had read that 20% of the results of these tests can be wrong.

We reviewed the 2nd results today also and the results were confirmed. It was important to me to check because hormonal therapy is a big line of defense, which is no longer available to me now that their are no more receptors to work with.

In explaining this to me, Dr. P also said that basically we have already killed off those cancer cells which had those receptors. The cancer cells that are left are the more mutated cancer cells. These require chemo (radiation possibly too) and as time goes on, if the cancer keeps returning, it will keep changing, requiring treatment changes as we go along. Dr. P said this is common for cancer NOT to remain the same. This IS the primary problem with cancer; it mutates like a virus. I guess I should have already known this but hey, even though I'm hairless, I guess I had a blonde moment. (Hee Hee!)

For me, it always makes things less scary when I have a thorough knowledge of all the possibilities. I can't speculate then because I'm armed with the facts. Everyone should learn to be their own best advocate with docotrs because you have a right to know, to have your questions answered. If you have a doctor who thinks he/she is above talking WITH you (like a human being), you may want to get a different doctor. It's your life and your illness after all, you have a right to know what's happening to you. Also, doctors are people too; I mean, they aren't God for goodness sake, and they can make mistakes. You can always ask for a "patient advocate" to help you if you are using a hospital or clinic because most have them and, that's the sole purpose of their job -- to get what the patient wants/needs. They are on the patient's side and I've seen a few go to bat for me over the years (before I learned to speak up myself) and they don't mess around! They get answers. They are great resources so I encourage you to use one if you need help of any kind.

Lastly, my good, dearest friend found out she does have colon cancer. This is new for her; never been in this "neighborhood" before, dealing with cancer. She's going through the whirlwind of appointments, the mass of new terminology, the whir of tests and results and what that means to her.

My suggestion immediately was to tell her to get a large binder, a 3 hole punch and tabs and start organizing her paperwork. Tabs for calendar, prescription/med list, blood test results, other scans/test results, doctor & insurance contacts, resource lists, etc. Having to set this up takes a bit of work but in the long run it's enormously helpful because everything you need is there in one place. When your sick and someone says "where is that?" you just say "look in the binder under "--" tab. I also suggest an erasable wall calendar for appointments and tests; available for family, friends, caregivers and you, to see and add to easily. These two things keep me less stressed because I know I'm not missing anything and, because I get to review stuff at my leisure and jot down notes for questions for my doctor at a later time.

Enough out of me, I think! I can go on and on but I will stop here.

Anyway, as I said, "knowledge IS power" and I suggest everyone get some power going on in your life today.

You deserve it. Don't let anyone tell you that you can't either. It's your life, remember?

Take hold and conquer!

Monday, July 20, 2009

Positively Positive

Well, in a few hours I am supposed to be my next dose of Taxol. The dose I should've had as my third dose in a row, but my liver was marching to a different drummer and decided to throw a wrench in the schedule. This will still be my third Taxol, but it's not in a row, it's after a skipped week of rest for this liver of mine, that I feel is misbehaving.

So, today is my day to use my power phrase "positively positive" on myself. I am positively positive that my liver will no longer be the unruly child of my body, that it will have gotten back on the team, so to speak. I'm positively positive that I'm going to be more supportive to that team member through my food choice and keeping up with my daily 30 minute walking regimen. All this so I know I can count on my liver to hang in there for we can get the job done successfully - to kill every single remaining cancer cell in this body of mine, and prevent new ones from being created and to survive another experience with chemotherapy.

I'm positively positive that this can be done because I've done it before. Because I've read many articles (especially in the free to cancer patients and their families/caregivers magazine "Cure". Check out www.cure.com to sign up) about people who have walked through three or four different cancer recurrances, or even new, different cancers and their treatments and are still here to tell us about it.

So, I'm positively positive it can be done. I have role models that I can see and believe in who have already done this. So I know that I can do this too! Why not? I'm a human being just the same as they are; if they can do that then so can I.

So, I've prayed about it and asked God to bless me in my request to overcome cancer and survive. I'm positively positive that God will bless me because I believe that I am a worthy and loved child of His. Positively positive!

So, I will let everyone know later on that I was able to get my treatment today because I'm positive that I positively will get well and that starts today!

Have a positively positive day!

Friday, July 17, 2009

Visualization

Today I got a suggestion from my brother, Tom, about visualizing the chemo as little Pac Man's, eating my cancer "all gone." I had heard of visualization before but my idea was to see the chemo as a wave of "cleaner," sort of washing me clean. I wonder now, how specifc do I need to be in my picture in my head? Is washing good enough, or should I be Pac Manning it? Having that little round head actually eating every cell?

And, my imagination needs help, I guess because I'm having trouble seeing how to get those little guys into my bones (in my picture in my head). Maybe I shouldn't worry about it until Monday, when I get another try at Taxol...I wonder if other people who have tried this only visualize when they are on their chemo drip, or all the time, every day?

On another note, my CA-15-3 report (tumor marker) went from an original # of 152 to 263.

This could mean one of two things per Dr. P, my oncologist: a) the chemo isn't working and the cancer is growing, or, b) the chemo is working and because the cancer cells are "exploding" - this causes the markers to rise up before they fall (kind of like a wave hitting the beach, then it falls back into the sea). I am, of course, choosing to read this as the treatment is working, and that the bad cells are exploding.

Maybe I should just concentrate on that visualization? I have no problem seeing them explode like little popping soap bubbles in the air. I bet, whatever works easily for your mind to wrap around, is the key to successful visualization.

I think I'll leave Pac Man to someone else's keen mind and I'll stick with exploding cancer cells (bubbles). Pop, pop, pop! I can almost even hear the sounds when I sit quietly and focus. I hope this is the right choice for me.

The only other way to tell if the treatment is working for me (since its in my bones, possibly 2 spots in liver also), is a PET scan, and, how much pain I'm having in my bones. This is a hard call because Taxol also causes pain in muscles and bones. So, I try not to worry too much over every ache and pain-it could just be the treatment working and not the cancer growing.

Today, I'm choosing to focus on being healthy in thought, and in action. I'm going to the beach with my dog, Serenity, and my friend Dinah, and her redbone hound, Jolie. Serenity is a white yellow lab mix w/other half golden retriever, but you'd never know that looking at her. She also has her own little character defect in that she was born with only about 1/4th of the normal tail of a retriever. (So, yeah, we are lucky because we don't have to worry about the tail clearing off the coffee table, or beating us silly.) Anyway, it will be good to get out of the house for a few hours and enjoy this wonderful, perfect sunny California day.

Pac man, anyone?

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Surprises

What a wonderful surprise I had in contacting Dennis at beingcancer.net. This is the kind of happy surprise that really uplifts and endears the heart. Thank you, Dennis.

Another surprise I had this week is that I wasn't able to get my Taxol as originally planned on Monday due to my liver being too distressed. Bummer! I am also on Avastin so I was given that as scheduled but it's really annoying when your body doesn't cooperate with what your mind is set to do. So, I'm also sleeping more this week and I don't know if that has to do with the Avastin, or my liver, or both. I live in sunny California and it's always an adjustment for me to wake up and find that I've fallen asleep and slept my whole day away. For someone who is used to getting a lot done, it's difficult to accept that rest is a good thing to do too. I have to remember that a lot of renewal gets done while we are sleeping, so hopefully, my liver is just getting a good dose of renewal.

Anyone else out there with their own liver issues that's keeping them from their treatment? I'd like to hear from you!

Monday, July 13, 2009

Eating Habits

One of the hardest things I have to learn to do for myself is honor myself through proper use of food. It's an added challenge while going through chemotherapy when your taste buds seems to go haywire. At least, that's what it's like for me.

I love my veggies, my fruit and granola and all that good stuff. I love fish, chicken and beef,although I don't eat much beef nowadays. Many days I can eat completely good nutrition with no problem but then, I can try to eat something that sounds good to my mind and tummy, but then it hits my taste buds and all bets are off! Today, I was craving something crunchy (like snack foods) so I tried each of these healthier versions of old favorites; lightly salted/sugared kettle corn, nautral baked potatoe chips, and natural baked cheese crunchies (like wanna be cheetos). Guess what? All three tasted like fish oil in my mouth! I didn't get "my crunch on" because everything tastes like sardines. How icky is that?! (I realize some people enjoy sardines but as you can tell, I can't count myself as one of them.)

I've also been able to really work on healthier eating since February this year when I started focusing on the amount of fat grams, sodium and sugar that I'm consuming daily. Since then, I've lost approximately 30 pounds by that and walking thirty minutes daily (as much as possible during treatment - which is about 6 days a week on average). This is a good start towards honoring myself through my nutrition choices.

But, I have this awful sweet tooth! I had started to write earlier that I didn't know why I couldn't ultimately, easily stay away from sugar and in writing my woes I realized that I was being a cop-out. That I really just hadn't accepted that I'm unmanageable with my food choices because I simply haven't made a firm decision to use food simply as nutrition, and not as a comfort and reward system. So I've learned that I still make excuses and I'm not as strong in my resolve. And hey! There's me just being a human being again _ progress not perfection.

It's hard to unlearn such a deeply ingrained approach towards food. Sugar was always a reward and it simply can't be anymore, if I want to truly honor myself correctly through my food choices. Refined sugar is really a kind of poison and I'm trying to remember that every time my head says "go get some!". My health depends upon eating right, in fact, my life depends on that, especially right now. And yet, sometimes I just want to eat chocolate, and ice cream and cookies because I think "I'll feel better (emotionally)" but at what cost to my physical self? Is feeding my emotions more important that properly feeding my body? No. That's what I'm trying to teach myself.

Wish me luck!

Saturday, July 11, 2009

What i don't do today

You know what I don't do today? I don't abuse myself, and I don't allow others to abuse me. There was a period of time in my life where I felt I wasn't good enough for the general acceptance of others - and really, I just didn't accept myself and I projected that onto others. I couldn't understand why you didn't accept me. I was in denial that I didn't accept me and I certainly did not see the connection between my lack of self-acceptance becoming your lack of acceptance too.

Today is not like that, thankfully. Today I realize that I have the power to uplift myself, or to hinder myself. I believe my words carry weight and that if I use them carelessly, I can weigh myself down. I believe in the power of belief, and believing starts with words - I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.

Sabotage also starts with words - I'm no good, What's wrong with me, and so on. I don't hurt myself like that today. Oh sure, I will slip up and say things like "that was stupid!" or some such, but notice I do not say "you're so stupid!" when I make a mistake. I even try to correct myself when I say "that was stupid" and tell myself that I'm simply human and I'm not perfect. That's good for me because I used to think I had to be perfect to be accepted because I thought everyone seemed like they were perfect. I was unfair to myself and to those I claimed had perfection - what a hard, uncompromising place to be!

I don't let myself be a doormat today either. I tell others when I am hurt, or upset by something they may have said or done. I don't expect them necessarily to get it, or change, or even apologize - but I do expect to take care of myself and share my feelings so that I can determine if continuing a relationship (friends or family or other) is a good idea for me to have with you. If you don't care how I feel, then I need to recognize that and gauge whether or not it is of value to me to continue on with someone who does not care. I don't spend much time in relationships with little value anymore. I maximize my return on investment because it's the right thing for me and for me to share with you.

I don't treat people with disrespect, I don't take people for granted and I don't put pride before humility - I apologize immediately if I step on someone else's toes. I treat others as I want to be treated. How easy is that!?

Why is this so hard for so many human beings to do? I don't know. I just know that I have a choice every time I interact with someone and today, I don't treat people badly because I honor them and their feelings. Everyone has a right to their feelings, a right to their opinions, a right to be heard. And, we all have the right to agree or disagree.

Today, I don't expect anyone to be like me except me.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Miracles

Today one of my most cherished friends gave me a necklace with a charm that says "miracles" on it. Because I am a miracle today.

Some people out there enjoy their belief that "miracles don't happen" - and they relish their closed-mindedness. They refuse to accept that miracles occur every day, on so many levels and everywhere, there is proof.

For example, in my life alone there have been more miracles than I can count. But, I'll share a few...

First of all, the fact that I am a sober alcoholic is a miracle in itself. By very definition, alcoholics aren't meant to be sober; we are uncontrollable drunks! We suffer from a disease that is an allergy of our bodies response to alcohol, we cannot drink enough to conquer the overpowering desire for more, even when we know it is killing us. Coupled with that physical allergic response of craving, we have an obsession of our mind that lies to us and tells us that we don't have a problem, that we can drink like regular, temperate drinkers - an obsession to learn to control our drinking. Something that a true alcoholic can ever do for long. We crave it. We obsess over it. We believe it is our friend, that without it we could not face the world.

The miracle comes when the denial (don't even notice that I am lying, is one euphanism) that comes with an active alcoholic mind, is suddenly able to surrender to the fact that the alcoholic does have a problem! That the recognition that we are not like other people with regard to alcohol, begins to seep in.

For one who was confined for most of my life in my disease of denial, of alcoholic obsession...the very fact that I am free of that today-by God, that IS a miracle! Even more so is how good my life is today! The comfort and peace I have in my own skin, the ability to accept myself as I am, the willingness to work an honest 12 step program and to rely on faith and a power, greater than myself...
Each of those things is a miracle to me. When you have been in the dark prison of addiction and have been given a release and a new joy in celebrating life, on life's terms, well! What a joyful miracle is that!

And, what about being able to still be here to share my story? If I could only recap every danger, every deeply sick, lost moment, every abuse encountered - and that I am alive and well (yes, I have cancer but I chose to say I am alive and well) and not already dead, or incapacitated, or incarcerated for that matter...miracle, miracle, miracle.

Every moment of love is a miracle. Every hope. Every joy. Every kind act, every compassionate heart. Every flower that bloomsn every day the sun rises - all miracles.

It's all in how you choose to see your world.

Do you see miracles too? I hope so.

Three Years

I write with gratitude, for at this moment I am celebrating the first one hour and twenty-four minutes of my sobriety "birthday" - I have just reached my 3rd year anniversary as of midnight, July 10, 2009. What a long road I have traveled, and just in the last three years! The years before seem like a separate lifetime ago, with so many peaks and valleys and "lost episodes." My life today is so very different and so very good.

I can say that sincerely and mean it, even while I am walking through my second round of treatments for breast cancer. I was originally diagnosed in 2003 and underwent a lumpectomy, a mastectomy, chemotherapy and radiation. That was six years ago and up until the last few months, all was "quiet" on the home front of my body. Now? As of right now, I am into my third chemotherapy treatment as this annoying disease has reared it's ugly head again by showing that it had been hiding out in my bones all this time. Anyway, my ovaries came back to life after my five year hormonal treatment ended (last May "08) to which the response was to promptly pull them out of my body. This was done to prevent the estrogren that turned back on like a loose faucet, from igniting any remaining cancer cells in my body. Oh well! So, the estrogen appears to have done it's damage while it had that flash in the pan chance, and so my body is lit up like a christmas tree under a PET scan, the cancer is in so many bones. Stage Four diagnosis now (sounds like a curtain call..."stage left!" ha ha).

However, as I would like to take this moment to point out, I am quite certain that this is a temporary problem and that the chemotherapy treatments will simply toss the water on the cancer "fire" again and put the cancer cells out of business once again. I say this will all sincerity and true faith, because I have a God who has walked with me through homelessness, through alcoholism and addiction, through rape and abuse, and I have faith, strong faith, that my dear God will walk with me through this too. I believe this is simply another opportunity for me to "grow", not "go."

Of course, this doesn't mean that I don't have moments of fear...I am human like everyone else, so of course I find myself in these moments. What I also have is faith, and faith overcomes my fear. I was blessed with this faith through other trials I've endured, such as reaching for and attaining sobriety these last three years...something I have been struggling to accomplish and keep one day at a time for the majority of my life. I am so grateful that I have gotten this far because the gift of faith is precious to me.

There is a lot I have to share and I want to reach out and do this in the hope that I might help someone else to gain strength - that I can offer through my words the same encouragement, belief, trust, acceptance, hope and faith that was offered to me. That my story may benefit someone else - that my testimony, my victories over my difficulties can inspire others to not give up, never give up and keep trying. As they say in my favorite spiritual program, don't give up five minutes before the miracle happens.

Yes, you can be that miracle! You just have to believe it can be true, reach for it, rely on your spiritual guide, whether that be God and Jesus, or Buddha, or a spirit of the Universe, and put your faith into action.

My Prayer for Today:
I am grateful I am sober today. Thank you God for my 3 year anniversary. Help me walk with strength and grace while my cancer is attacked and killed, keeping my healthy body protected during this time. I believe this is an opportunity to learn and grow, that I might offer hope to others. Thank you God because you love me and carry me and I will survive and emerge stronger and healthier at the end of this treatment. In Jesus's name I pray, Amen.

I believe. Do you?
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