Walking with gratitude

Welcome and greetings! Iknow I've let a few weeks go by; due to side effects/illness like... Having cold after cold, catching pneumonia (medicine & a full week in bed turned that around) and as I mentioned earlier in another report, developing that bacterial infection called Clostridum difficule infection (which is an intestinal/gangrenous infection caused by intestinal bacteria getting out of whack).Anyway! I can also report that I've had to temporairly remove myself from college. This was very sad for me. I love going to college. I missed out doing it earlier in my life due to my alcoholism & drug addiction issues that were active at that time in my life.I love school! But for now, my health must take precedence. Too many germs there for my body at this time. Plus, in the last few weeks (most of November) I've had an MRI, a bone scan, xrays, and a ct/pet scan of my whole body and halleluiah! Everything is either looking normal or, for my liver lesions - 2 of the 3 are completely gone and the 3rd one (the size of my thumbnail) is "less conspicuous" meaning it is starting to disappear! I'm saying with faith in my heart that I believe God is healing me through this with the help of people and faith. I have become a tad better, through this cancer journey, at trusting in God that the "net" is there to catch me,even though I can't see it, and sometimes I can't feel it, but I've learned better to "Let go and Let God" and also to accept His will for me, no matter what. I believed from the beginning that this was a journey to "grow" not "go" even on fearful days - my best defense is still asking "God to help me deal with this". It always restores my heart and mind when I talk to God, because I believe in Him. I trust in Him; that His will is the will I must follow. My will alone can't always do what I want-unless its aligned with God's. That's also how my chemical recovery works today too.

And on another note, Thanksgiving is a wonderful holiday to remember, express and appreciate all the bounty in their lives. I've been homeless before in my life...and I was still able to find gratitiude in the organizations that feed the homeless, the churches that let us sleep on a cot for one night at a time, for having access to showers, laundry etc. When my house burned to the ground in 8 minutes because of the propane company's error; my immediate thought as I first saw it was not for my things - but for "my people - my child & best friend" and as soon as I knew they were alive and okay I said "thank you God, I'm good...even though after those 1st few days, I heavily mourned the loss of two cats, family heirlooms, my childrens babybooks, birth videos, my beloved books, and so much more. But I knew immediately God had saved exactly the most important, most irreplaceable, most vaulable things - the people I loved. Period. And, as hard as it was to mourn that, struggle to become "not homeless" after that, still be a mother, still function through depression for several years - my belief in God was strengthened through that tragedy. I began to learn that God was my friend, my heavenly Father who loved me and was carrying me through a horrible time in my life. And with this second time around with cancer, boy!! Don't I have a deeper faith now! How fortunate I am to have opportunities like these to grow my faith and my relationship with God. I used to think, years ago, "poor me!" and "why me!?". Today, I don't think "lucky me!" but I do say, "okay, here we go, another time to grow, trust in God and hang on."

Acceptance comes with faith. Gratitude does too. Thanksgiving is a special opportunity to remember all the things, people, situations, moments, etc that we should be, and/or, are grateful for. I feel blessed to be alive, to be sober and with my children every day. I am grateful for my amazing family. I am thankful for my awesome friends that walk with me on all my journeys in sobriety, through cancer, or any other thing that feels scary or hard. I appreciate all that I have in my life today -- and what I don't have in my life too.

As they say at my place of worship, "God IS good, all the time. Be at peace, practice acceptance and believe in the power of your personal energy and your Higher Power, whomever you choose that to be.

With Gratitude for All -
Elizabeth Gregory

Time Goes On

Hi everyone! Wow! I haven't written anything since September 22! And why is that? I've been sick with various side illness during this whole time. I attached a link for any of you to see if needed, of one of the tougher illnesses I was/am still fighting off. That was a wretched disease, I tell you!! Disgusting and painful! And very serious/life threatening too.

I have learned that I have a high pain tolerance for my body with the onslaught of that disease. I had it for about 2 1/2 weeks (maybe 3) before I sought help (from the amount of pain, explosive cramping I was having). I should have sought help about a week and a half earlier than I did (when my bowel movements didn't look normal anymore). By the time I did, they almost had to hospitalize me! Moral? Get medical help in the beginning & don't wait! It could kill you if you wait.

I also had two more colds during that time; I'm still fighting a sinus infection. The side colds are a real bummer! Really hard with 2 kids to care for too.

So, that's my wisdom for today. I'm starting to feel better, but, here comes my daughter with a sore throat so we shall see.

Oh yeah! One other thing - I entered some of my art (1 painting & 1 photo) in an Art Contest locally on the central coast here; one I can win some cash if I place...will know this Sunday.

And lastly, my CA-15 went up slightly from 40 to 52. That's the wrong direction - we want it to go the other way (down to under 31). At first, I felt very alone, very, very disappointed, very angry and sad. I almost felt like, "that's it!, I'm actually dying!" Talk about a drama queen, a severe reaction to a small hurdle really. Then I decided to look at it as, "just a bubble of cancer cells bursting (cause that happens and that makes the #'s go up briefly). So, I changed my thoughts and perception. I could've chosen to let that defeat me, instead (after that first few days of wallowing), I chose to turn it into a positive. Everyone has a choice ike that every day, on anything. I'm still fighting my disease... How about you?

With Gratitude for All -
Elizabeth Gregory

By the way...

Just forgot to mention that I finally received the free "cancer killing" game, called Re-mission, from HopeLab.

Haven't tried it yet, but I will soon. Will let you know my review, asap.

Thank!

With Gratitude For All,

Elizabeth Gregory

Time Flies When You're Having Fun

Wow! It's been a slow month of postings, hasn't it? Mostly due to fighting off secondary infections, which seems to have been ongoing since our return from Disneyland at the end of July.

We've been sharing this awful sinus infection on and off through August and September. We are all on anti-biotics now and slowly recovering, thank God!

I tell you what, having colds with chemotherapy is so much harder to deal with than without. That's probably an obvious statement; but the side effects you feel with a cold seem much more magnified, than regular cold syptoms - as when your not having chemotherapy.

Anyway, it's been a struggle being sick w/various colds, while going through chemo, taking care of my two kids...thank goodness I have wonderful family and friends to help support us in our routines.

So, back to my results from my tests that I promised to give further discourse to. Good news! Dr. P said unequivocally, that the dropping cancer markers on the CA-15 test, for my situation, definitely means the cancer is being killed off! Ya-hoo to infinity! My marker on this test is now at 57, the normal range is 0-31.

Regarding the MRI results; this showed I still have 3 "subtle" lesions on my liver and that my bones are still "mottled" and "abnormal". So, more chemotherapy to be sure that we clean up my liver, and do as much as we can for my bones to repair themselves, (which can take years to repair themselves) per the doctor.

In the meantime, I told him that while chemotherapy was a "pain", I was loathe to stop it because of my desire to do all available to ensure success. He indicated that we can do chemotherapy, on that note, for as long as my body can tolerate it. Hey,I'm game! I'd rather do this now as long as possible; hopefully for the very last time, rather than quit early just to maybe have it come back again. Who wants to go through this yet again? Not I! I've done this twice now, I'm not looking for a third time, that's for sure.

I mean, I've already got about zero hair, less than 1/2 of my eyelashes are left...why not go all the way while the "chips are down" in the beauty catagory already? I hope, with God's grace, I'll never have to look at my "chemo beauty" ever again. God, really, has blessed me with a wonderful doctor, family and friends who pray for me, my own prayers (because for many years - I didn't pray) , and His Grace of giving me another challenge. One that I've learned, and am still learning, to walk through.

People tell me "You're so strong" but that is coming from God, I'm sure. I lean on God just like any other close, personal friend, in this situation would. God is my dearest, most wonderful friend.

Thank God too for good doctors who know what they are doing. If you don't think you have that, go get one! You are your own best advocate, after all.
And, doctors are humans too. Some are more knowledgable at what they do. Some don't offer everything there is to know, even an excellent doctor, such as mine. Read the story below to get what I mean.

My dear friend with anal cancer, who appears to also to be beating that cancer - she went (just in case) to San Franciso to doctors at the main hospital (university connected?, not sure).

Anyway, she found out our Dr. was right on about every thing he was doing for her. Yay!
However, they did find out that for follow up checks over the next few years, she should get biopsies of the site in order to be sure. Turns out our Doctor had not mentioned that, either because our area has no one to refer her to for that, or, no one the doctor has confidence in. So, he was relieved to know she was able and willing to go to SF for that as needed, that she would have that level of follow up. It is interesting to note that our doctor, who is so thorough about what he does share with us (which is a tremendous amout), didn't mention this to her, because it's not available here. Please people! Remember every opinion can offer something; second opinions can be extremely important. Or confusing, too.
Remember, go to the best, and only the best. Specialits in their area.

Last thing, my son turns sixteen this Saturday! I so want to do something wonderful for him; kayaking off the coast in the ocean kelp forests, or bi-plane rides at a local place we have here, or something he suggests. Zip. No. Nada. Typical sixteen year-old who has a girlfriend! Can't do anthing without her. Which is ok with me, she's a decent girl. So, having cleared kayaking with the girlfriends mom, then he still doesn't get behind it. She's excited to go, he's not. C'mon my son! I love him with all of me, yet all he wants? An X-Box 360! Something to sit in his room with. Again. (We have a very old X-Box he has now). Frustrating to appreciate life and adventure as much as I do, and have a son, who (at this point in life) juat wants to play video games. Geez. I only hope this is just a stage.

Well, that's enough out of me!

With Gratitude For All,

Elizabeth Gregory

Well, the cancer is going down!

Well, well, well! Some very happy news to present today! My tumor marker test (CA-15) shows my tumor (blood) level is now @ 57!! This is a big deal because I started out at 263, and, the "normal" range is 0-31!! Yahooie oooie oooh!

This upcoming Friday I will be finding out a lot more because I also had a MRI done last week, that in conjunction w/my blood test results, I will get a better feeling about the whole picture. I still have 3 "subtle" lesions on my liver (levels of which have gone back up again but slightly), and the MRI has repeated the mottled multi-level changes in my bones, but that has been like that since I before I began treatment -- so we'll see what Dr. P has to say about it all. Will update on that after this Friday.

Also, really glad that I kept the couple classes I wanted to take. It's hard, they make me tired, but I am so inpired by the basic photography class! And, math is a necessary evil. One thing that isn't so good is that with being part time, and in California, the grants have gone way down! Makes it that much harder to make it at school (especially w/photography which is a more expensive class...good thing I don't have two art classes or it just wouldn't work out!)

Anyway, I love school; it takes my mind off everything except me trying to absorb & do my very best & move on towards that goal of a degree. I don't want to be the only one in my family without one. I had a very bad time when I should've been going to school when I was younger because I was blinded in many ways by my alcoholism/addictions and lack of faith/contact with God. Thank God I don't have that problem today, and I get to me more of me today-who I really am, and always wanted to be. I'm not quite where I want to be of course, but a step at a time, I will be there.

And, let me say again, how much I appreciate the friends and family that I have. I am so fortunate to have the people in my life today that I do. I have deep gratitude for everyone in my life. One thing about having cancer, for me, it has brought me new friends, closer to old friends, and dearer to my family/I appreciate my family that much more every day.

God is great! Life is good! No complaints here today.

With gratitude for all!

Elizabeth Gregory

Busy, busy, rest, rest, busy, rest, busy, rest!

National Geographic News, August 19, 2009 is a very interesting article about how cancer cells are protected from dying off properly, by anti-oxidants, a new study shows! Just wanted to get this mention out of the way first & foremost because I think it is important for everyone to read. Unfortunately, probably cause I'm a bit tired, I couldn't figure out the link info properly. But, you can still find it online at the info/date above.

So, now to busy, busy, rest, rest! I haven't written since the 15th I think (?) of this month because ... Here's why!

A week ago tomorrow, I started college classes again; although I reduced my classes from four to two. The two I kept are just the right amount of work, I think, for me to pull off in my chemo state of being.

I kept math and basic photography, both of which I am excited about, bit especially the photog class because of it's creative/art spark that I get from it (already!). We use 35 mm cameras, develop film, learn to enlarge film, etc. Really exciting stuff for an artist because I can see myself using film to create compositions to use to paint from, as well as using film to express my art in a completely "film" way. Really great class! Really excited! Really! :) In cutting down my classes, I now only have school two days a week, instead of four, and that's really good for me too.

Then, Wed. I had a "partial" infusion; no chemo because white blood cells too low...but hey! at least it wasn't due to my liver, which is now almost back to normal. Thank You, GOD! Looks like we'll try for Taxol again, this upcoming Friday.

Thursday of last week, my daughter started school. And, Friday, I had surgery to repair my port, which had somehow turned itself around and in so doing, rendered itself un-usable. Having a port is important and extremely helpful to me because it protects my left arm/veins from over-use and more scarring from constant use. A port is "tucked" under your skin, attached to a large vein in your chest (for me, at least). It's actually just barely visable, as a lump under the skin. It's an entry way for access to a vein which would obviously be unreachable for chemo/iv use.

This is necessary for me to help protect my left arm vein, as I said, because my right arm is "off-limits" for needles, i.v.'s and even blood pressure machines. This is because I had lymph nodes removed in my right armpit six years ago when I had my mastecomy. Removing lymph nodes leaves the limb that is "affected" by the loss, susceptible to Lymphedema, which is a horrible, enormous swelling of a limb that gets clogged in draining normal fluids, due to loss of lymph nodes. Somehow, squeezing the arm (in my case) with blood pressure monitors, of putting needles into it, can create the condition. So, I am very careful not to use that arm for any of those things. This leaves my left arm for everything which damages the veins after a while, from scarring due to over-use. Therefore, I needed the port fixed asap.

I am very, very, very sore from these surgeries. The one to put the port in, I had in June, and that was extremely painful for about two weeks, with the third week being just really sore. I sure hope it doesn't take that long this time, as it hurts just to bend over to put on my shoes. Because it's in my upper part of my left breast/chest area, every jiggle hurts! I have been resting solidly since Saturday mid-day, when I had to get my daughter from her gymnastics class. Luckily for me, my helpful sister took her to class, and my other helpful friend Dinah, helped me drive up there (about 30 min away). Both were a great help in doing that! I am thankful to have helpful, caring people in my life.

So, we skipped church today because I'm in pain, tired and resting...as much as is possible with a ten year old and fifteen year old, who want to keep moving and doing stuff and want me to participate. I have to constantly remind them of why I can't. This irritates all of us equally; they hate hearing me say "no, I can't right now" and I get tired of saying it to them. Heavy sighs all around. I often get support from friends, and family, to keep them busy for me while I rest, but I guess ot just isn't often enough for them. This is surely a lesson in patience for us all.

Even my dog, Serenity, does the heavy sighs too! She is a sweet, kind, patient and loving dog--willing to do whatever is asked of her, even wait, wait, wait for her regular daily walk, which hasn't happened this week for several days now. She is laying in her bed right now, and I just heard her do a heavy sigh. Little cutie. She is half white lab, half golden retriever. She looks all white lab except for her birth defect tail (which made her a freebie) because it is only about 3 inches long and looks like it had been docked vs born shortie. In every other way, she is a perfect girl. She loves my 3 cats and the kids and everyone she meets -- Miss Congeniality! We are blessed to have such a good,sweet dog. She still guards the house and grounds for all her sweetness, our great dog!

So now, it is a resting day and I am going to go rest again. Just wanted to keep in touch!

With Gratitude for All-
Elizabeth Gregory

Interpretations and Musings

First of all, I recently read on a CNN Techology article about a new "cancer game" called "re-mission." The focus of the game (it states it's for teenagers suffering from cancer/going through treatment/helps to visualize killing cancer cells while playing the game) is to kill cancer cells as the main target; to help teenagers to visualize and "participate" in killing the cancer cells in their bodies by playing the game. You can download it for free and/or order a free cd to be mailed to you (which I did because I have a Mac and it's a PC based game; which means I will have to use it at a friends' house). The website listed in the article is: http://www.re-mission.net/site/community/.

I haven't tried it yet since I haven't gotten the cd yet, but what an incredible idea and.... DUH!!?? Why hasn't anyone thought of this before?? Brilliant of those who did put it together. It certainly can't hurt, only help, I think. Anyway, I am excited about trying it out. I may not be a teen, but I can certainly benefit from a "let's kill those damn cancer cells" game as much as the next person.

Also, I am a budding artist. I recently submitted a couple of pieces to an "art show" (more of a submission of art for shared viewing vs awards or competition) at my local church. One piece was a painting which was well received, and the other was a smaller, two piece ceramic scuplture. This piece was "lost" for a few weeks, in that it didn't show in the art exhibition and at first, no one was sure where it went. I was able to locate and retrieve it successfully a few days ago, with the help of one of the art dept. gals.

It turned out that it was "excluded" from the exhibition because it is a sculpture of a faceless, naked woman, which was based upon a 25,000 year old figurine known as the "Venus of Willendorf." The original figurine is thought to be a fertility totem, or a figure celebrating a healthy, potent, female in caveman days. The breasts are over-large, droopy/saggy and prominent because of their size compared to the body and the skinny, almost non-existent, twiggy little arms that barely attempt to lay over the top of the breasts. The stomach is large, pregnancy/well-fed appearing, with large round thighs, cut off at about the knees. The vagina is noted as a small slit, as are the buttocks-again, large and round. She is faceless, with almost no neck, and rounded dots covering her head as her hair. In reality, I believe it is approximately 2 inches tall and a reddish, brown clay color.

My sculpture mimics this pretty well, except that it is about 4-5 inches tall and I have "removed" one breast - showing a "Frankenstein-like" scar covering the missing breast on the chest. I also made it with a simple coiled vase, that is purposely made to enhance the idea of the pieces being very old, and made by cavemen-era artists.

Anyway, when I let the gal know that I had successfully retrieved the pieces with her help/guidance, the truth as to why they had been missing came out.

I don't know what the other art staff thought of my piece, but when she shared with them that I was/am a 6 year cancer survivor and fighter - going through treatment again - I guess "their heads hung low" according to her.

Somehow I guess they saw it as something quite different than a prehistoric breast cancer victim. My title for the piece is "Another Surviving Venus," and the show's focus was on the body - of humans, Christ, your interpretation. I was sort of amused at the reaction; that it was censored that way, and the "guilty" feelings that were apparently felt upon learning the story about my piece's creation and comparison to the prehistoric piece, and breast cancer survivorship.

People are funny, aren't they? Art is in the eye of the beholder. And your eye sees whatever you see easily, I guess. Whatever you are hung up about, or find attractive or ... you know. My painting, in contrast, is a beautiful composition of the "victory" angel, several large California poppies, with patterns, repeated prints, in primarily teal/blue greens and golden browns and oranges. It is not offensive in any way (at least, not so far; it even won 2nd place in local show).

I was intrigued by the whole turn of events and things like that always open my eyes, make me think and mull things over. I think about how we are all similar, yet made so different by our experiences and interpretations of them...and how those initial views can even change over time.

I know for me, for example, learning forgiveness was a liberating, spiritual-growth inducing "tool". It was very diificult for me to accept that forgiveness - of someone who had violated me terribly, for example - was not only in line with what God asks of us, but was also the healthiest, and kindest thing I could do FOR MYSELF. Forgiveness is not "just for the other person" - it is really for you to trust God to handle that person and take yourself off the hook, of guilt, anger, shame, pain - whatever feelings you're having - and let yourself move on. To me, forgiveness is saying to that person (directly or not), I forgive you because I cannot hold these painful feelings close to my heart anymore, and I trust God to work with you as He sees fit. I forgive you because it's what God asks me to do, and because I believe in God to help me heal once I have done this. And by not forgiving, I continue to give that person who wounded me, permission to continue wounding me. I cannot have a true relationship with God, and I cannot heal, if I don't forgive. I cannot grow if I won't "let go".

Anyhow, this whole thing with my art pieces took my mind on this direction and so I am sharing it with you.

I'm glad for experiences that help me grow, even if at first, I don't understand or they are painful. I trust my God today, I believe He will carry me if I need Him too; I just have to remember to let Him.

With Gratitude For All-
Elizabeth Gregory

Back To School Almost!

Well! I have just spent the last few days with family running around and prepping my children for our inevitable return to school, which for the kids begins August 24th.

However, I am also a re-entry college student working on completing my BA degree in Fine Art and Design. My classes begin, (a little gulp) on Monday of this next week...in about four days!

I am always a bit full of anticipation, low-grade anxiety, sharpened senses with new pens, note pads, lists and schedules, every year when the new school year starts. But, this year it is even more so -- due to my present status as an active cancer patient.

I mean, here I am, a single mother with a 15-almost-16-year-old boy going off to one school, a precocious 10 year old girl going off in another direction to her school, and me heading off to a third school for my own studies (and a bald head this semester). Every year for the last (almost 2 1/2) few years now that's how it has been.

And this year? This year I have the added "status," or "burden," or "title," to bear and to some degree, incorporate - of "active cancer patient" into my role as a student.

For example, Monday morning next week is my first day of classes. I have two classes to attend; one being a studio (art) class which means it will run approximately 4 hours long. The second class is a "normal" academic class of about one hour.

Instead of just getting to show up prepared and ready to start the new semester, I have the uneasy duty of approaching each instructor of my new classes (a total of four classes/instructors) and "plead my case on my chemotherapy scedule vs class for my first 30 days of school."

Because it looks like my numbers are dropping (the tumor/cancer markers) so quickly (which is fantastic), I am expecting I may only have to continue with chemo for about 6 to 8 more weeks. This puts me into about October and of course the semester runs until December.

My goal is to present this situation to my class instructors; especially those whose classes fall on Monday (that being my normal chemo day), and ask for adaptation in some way for that first 30 to 50 days. An adaptation to miss some or all of class on that day, or another day they prefer, during the week (since the classes are scheduled at 2 or 3 periods per week). I'm certain I can keep up, as long as they allow me to try. My top concern is that they will assume it is "too hard" for someone going through chemo to do - and now that I'm over that bacterial infection, I have to say I feel almost like my old self again! - and I don't want to be told NO. I want the chance to make it work...I'm going to fight for that because I need it.

I need it because I believe I can do this. I feel strong enough so far. I need to stay on schedule to transfer to the four year collge as originally planned; I've already lost a year's time on that because this cancer was creeping up on me in various ways without honestly shouting out "hey, it's cancer over here! - which caused me some de-railing by having to drop from full time to three quarter time in two different semesters, which adds up.

So next week, for example, I've post-poned my chemo until Wednesday in order to attend each of the first day of my four classes to get credit for attendance (for grant $)and explain my plight; and hopefully, get approval (and find some student friends/note takers) with whom I can coordinate to help pull myself along. Then, I will miss the next set of classes Wed. In order to get the chemo, be wiped out for that day, and pull myself together for Thursday. My best course of action may be to ask and see if my oncologist can "chemo-me" on Fridays instead, since I have no classed at all on Fridays. Hhmmmmm....

I also have to go up to the campus tomorrow to see if I can get the emergency book loan grant tomorrow. If I wait until Monday they will be all gone (learned from experience) and I will need this desperately this year because I have to buy a used camera for photog class asap, as well as books. But the camera is more expensive & harder to find than used books on Amazon or Cheap Books dot com.

Plus, I am still coordinating with 2 friends on driving me to/fro on chemo days still, and picking up my daughter from school on my chemo day (in place of me doing it). Not to mention the dinner to cook, homework to do, pets to be fed/walked, etc.

Do I sound crazy? Like I'm taking on more than I can chew? Maybe I am....but I feel capable. I feel like I must try because I still see myself in this cancer business as temporary. And, I'd rather "start at the top" so to speak, with a full time load; in order that, if necessary, I could pull out from one class if I must. Much easier than to try to add one back in.

I know it's a lot to do... it is every semester. Yes, I know I will have less energy and be more "fragile" in my stamina, and over all health. But, I really believe in me! And as long as I can encourage others to see that spark in me (passing over my bald head under my hat), I think this will be a great challenge!

So, I'm nervous! I'm excited! And, I'm asking God to help me. Asking that He provides me the awareness I need to know when I'm going overboard so I can recognize when I have to slow down, or step off. I'm asking God to put people in my path who will be allies, who will believe in me too, who will encourage, accommodate, and help me participate in my success that together, they can help me overcome this cancer stepping stone I have to step over to reach my goals that I have for me and that will benefit my children. The Lord has been so good to me, and has provided me with so much treasure, measured in the goodness of others--their kindnesses, supportiveness, their cooperation and their strength and prayers. I am so blessed to know God and Jesus and the Holy Ghost - and all the people God sends to me to help me in my journey.

I am anticipating with some anxiety the beginning of my next set of classes but I am holding hands with the Lord and Jesus and I know that they will carry me if I need them to. I believe now, that in some ways this journey of mine is somehow, someway going to end up being another true testimony to the glory of God's mercy, His grace and the healing powers of Jesus Christ, who is truly my saviour. He can be yours too, did you know that? Jesus and God...they are as close to you as you want to be to them! So all you have to do is invite them in to your life. Ask the Lord, ask Jesus, for their help, unreservedly, and tell them your troubles; they are always waiting, and listening for those who want to reach to them.

Isn't THAT a blessing??!! What a fabulous, glorious true thing that is. I used to wait for God; and complain a lot. Like, "oh, why me God?!" And "oh poor me God!" And then, I'd sit there and wait. I didn't "give" very much to God acting that way, and God's a busy guy...I didn't get much in return with my whiney, stinky attitude either. But here and there, now and again, I was given some truly great gifts (details for another story-long story's) that to me were clear-cut, definitive gifts directly from the Lord...and I suddenly came to believe in this power that was called God (for me) and that I needed to make a proper, real relationship with Him. And so, I did.

And it has been worth every single moment of every second doing it, ten-fold and more. And thank you for loving me and blessing me as you have God! Some of my "blessings" - like having cancer (which isn't itself a real blessing to me) but it's the experiences of love, and growth, and personal life experiences that I get to enjoy, that I wouldn't know, if I hadn't had cancer. It's being able to see how God is moulding me, shaping me, to be of value to Him and others because I've had this experience of cancer. There are rainbows behind every dark cloud if only you will take the time to believe and look for them.

So! I'm trotting off to college again next week (at 48 years of age), in the middle of chemotherapy, with God holding my hand and my children following "behind" as we all go back to school. I've got a great group started; me, my kids and God - and I expect God will help me out along the way with the people I need to help my children and I find our way through this semester successfully...and for me to kick this cancer's be-hiney once and for final-ly!!

Wish me luck, okay! (Please!) 'Cause I'm pretty sure I'm going to need a bit of that stuff too. (:^D

With Gratitude for All-
Elizabeth Gregory

Well, I've been sick...

"Well, I"ve been sick" sounds like a funny (odd) thing to say when you're going through cancer treatment! But, that's what happened and was probably a predictable result to going to Disneyland and traipsing around there like nobody's business. As a result, exhausted as I was even with resting daily and using the electric scooter - I still picked up somebody else's little germie that hitchhiked on home with me, and boy, packed a bit of a wallop, it did!

One thing to be cautious of all you cancer caregivers and patients - if your temperature starts rising at all - go to the hospital asap! My oncologist was crystal clear about this during my first time with chemo, six years ago, and thank the Lord that I heard it and paid attention! Because one day, boom! A little sore throat, 98 degrees jumped to 99 and then 100 - all within a few hours, and I was on a very strong medicine that cut the germ off at the pass, so to speak.

And, lo and behold, the same thing again about the third day home from the trip. This time I was so exhausted I guess that my mental status was affected somewhat because I really only remember a wee part at the emergency room, and the drive there and back. I also get emotional when I am sick so I cry everything instead of talk, which annoys and embarasses me terribly. So, of course I try to choke the tears back, swallowing hard - which makes the sore throat hurt more - and apologize constantly, when I really shouldn't worry about it I guess, cause I am sick. I mean, what the hey?! I don't feel so good. I should allow myself the right to cry and be a bit of a baby about feeling sick without beating myself up for it. Really girl! Sometimes I'm just a nut.

Anyway, I'm onto my third-ish day now of the rescue medicine and my hoarse voice is starting to return to a normal growl, and I'm less wiped out every time I get up or down. I was so short of breath for a while there that just standing up made me almost pant. Sometimes I think I'm "too strong" for my own good because I probably should have immediately rested for two or three days upon return home, instead of running around putting everything away like normal. I like to forget I am dealing with cancer sometimes because I don't intend to be this way forever, or even for much longer. As I've said before, I expect this is a temporary situation where I am learning and growing; whereby I will be healed and healthy again when all is said and done.

So, I'm pacing myself and therefore, this will be a short post so that I can keep resting.

Thankfully, I am getting better and that's a blessing!

With Gratitude for All-
Elizabeth Gregory

Halleluiah!

Halleluiah is my word for today! I am sitting in the chemo chair at this very moment, receiving Taxol, for the first time in three weeks. So, halleluiah, halleluiah, halleluiah!

My chemo nurse today is a wonderful woman named Phea (fee-ya). She did all my treatments six years ago; now it gets rotated between Phea and another nurse named Diane.
Phea and I always have little debates. About which vein she is allowed to use. This is one of the reasons I had gotten my port; which, by the way, is getting replaced this Thursday because somehow it turned itself backwards, and now, it doesn't work.

So Phea and I had one of our little discussions. I love Phea to death, she is kind and caring...but she is still a nurse with a needle. That scares me. You know, I gave blood for ten years in my twenties and I never was afraid of getting stuck. I am now! I guess going through so many nurses, when you are a person who has hidden, tiny veins, who have trouble finding your vein and poke you in all the wrong places-it gets to you. So, here's poor Phea, trying to do her job, and I'm telling her she can only use this one vein over here and that's that! I get so distressed that I cry, and I become shaky. She is so gentle though, I really had nothing to worry about. So I am not looking forward to Thursday because another nurse will come at me with another I.V. needle. That's why the port is a great help-it's a piece of cake getting the needle in through that; much easier than it is getting a vein in my arm. I recommend a port for anyone who has trouble with their veins being hard to find and difficult to access.

Back on track for now, thank goodness. My college classes start in two weeks and I will have to see how much the instructors will accommodate my chemo schedule. Otherwise, I'll have to be a half time student. I am a reciepient of a small scholarship, and I will attend that ceremony Friday morning of this week. I'll be wearing my wig for that event.

So I'm off to visualize the cancer getting popped/bursting/destroyed from this chemo. Burst, pop, destroy. The Taxol treatment is in town cancer, and is calling you out! Die, die, die and I will be alive and thrive.

Have a very blessed day!

With Gratitude for all -
Elizabeth Gregory, Cancer Warrior

Accomplishments

Well, it's late Sunday evening and I feel that I have accomplished a lot this week. Taking a four day trip to southern California from where I live in central California, and back again, was quite a feat. Thankfully, as I have previously mentioned, I had the help from my wonderfully helpful mother. I would not have been able to do this trip alone with my daughter and her friend (as was originally planned) without her help.

As it was, with her help I was provided the use of an electric scooter for the 1 and 1/2 actual days at Disneyland. This enabled me to avoid the constant walking and standing which my legs presently will not tolerate much of. I did walk to/from the Disneyland Hotel to the monorail and railroad loading areas, and walked to the car and to dinner and such. Even that was hard though, and my body let me know in several ways and I listened.

The main way was heat. Quickly overheating with not much effort. Where I live it is generally much cooler and a lot less humid; so when I go walking every day I am dealing with relatively pleasant weather. I had forgotten how hot concrete and buildings and asphalt made everything. It bakes the sun right back at you and holds the heat around you. I get to enjoy rolling hills, open spaces, trees galore, oceans nearby and much more temperate weather. My point being, I was really hot!

Sweat pouring down my face at the slightest exertion, my ball cap loosely placed on my head, and sometimes completely off - I mean, did I care what people thought who I was never going to see again? Or, did I want cool air? Cool air won out every single time. As did the water rides! Anything that gave us a good soak, boy, we were up for that. Thankfully, having a wheelchair or electric scooter often moved you into the front of the line, with minimal waiting once there. So we were able to get on and off rides pretty quickly.

My biggest mistake was thinking I could take on Space Mountain. Yes, I rode it. Yes, I was hurting not just after, but about 10 seconds into the speed part of the ride kicking in. I closed my eyes throughout the entire thing after about another 10 seconds because it helped me to focus on what my body needed me to do to cope. That was really hard on my entire body but especially my core section. It's hard to explain but it just didn't feel right and I knew I shouldn't be doing it although it was too late to get off.

We also rode the Materhorn, Splash Mountain, Indiana Jones, the Jungle Cruise, the Pirates of the Caribbean....all the "big" classics. We never had time to try the "kiddie" classics like Peter Pan, or Mister Toad's Wild Ride, or the Tea Cups because by the time we had ridden the bigger ones, we were all so hot that we stopped for lunch at an outside cafe area in the newer California Theme Park. Thinking we would try the rides on that side once we ate, we all agreed that everyone preferred the pool and a break instead. I had already planned that I would take a nap during these pool excursions, which I did. The second day there (the main Disney park day), I slept for about 2 1/2 hours and could have probably slept another hour or two more, but it was back to the park.

We did some shopping, we had time for more rides at the main Disney park and then had dinner. We watched the fireworks event which was incredible! I was enchanted (really!) by Tinkerbell flying around and the Disney star sweeping across the sky just like on the Disney ad's on tv. It was truly breathtaking and beautiful and spectacular. By the time we got back to the hotel, it was almost 11 pm. I think we all got to bed by 11:30pm. Since we had gotten up and out of the door to the park at about 7:30 am - we had a very, very long day.

Due to that, we slept in a bit more than we had planned too. To my surprise, the kids were harder to get up than I was. We ended up only doing three rides at the California Theme Park because by now my body was grumbling at me. I must say that the Grizzly Rapids ride is great for a good dunking to cool off (and fun too), but my favorite ride that we took on that side of the park was the Soaring Over California ride. Imagine being in the seat of a hanglider - the kind where you sit up vs. laying horizontally - and you are suspended in the air (in a long row with about 10 people per row). As you are suspended there, an enormous movie screen begins to play ariel views (like flying) of deserts, mountains, beaches, and all of them obviously representing sites in California. People were also shown in the "movie" which you became a part of because you were flown in such a way that you felt that you were flying with them, or surfing with them, or skiing, etc. A bird's eye view that included wind being blown at you, ups, downs, turns, smells of orange groves, pine trees, beaches, etc. It was exquisite to me. I loved it. I would do that in a heart beat if there was a real life way of riding the wind like the way that ride does it. What an amazing experience; that ride alone was worth going, it was that incredible.

Anyhow, we finished with that part of the park because it was just too darn hot over there. They don't have any trees really planted on that side for some reason. I also knew I couldn't even think about attempting the huge roller coaster or the dropping rides that plunge you some 6 stories before you stop and bounce up and down for a while. I learned my lesson on Space Mountain.

All in all, it was a wonderful experience and I was blessed that my mother cared enough and had the means to make sure that I could cope through it by supporting me with the electric scooter, the pool-time/nap breaks, and supporting me by watching the kids whenever I asked; even when I didn't ask, she was there, helping. Thanks Mom! I couldn't have done it without you.

And so, my daughter, her friend, my mother and I - we all built wonderful memories from this trip because of her support. I treasure stuff like that. I know that it is events like these that make my life truly rich. It's not money - that's rich, but not soul rich. Money is a necessary evil, and it is a blessing, as long as people use it to help themselves to help others along the way. That's what I believe anyway. If I ever won or earned or somehow got a hold of a million dollars, I already know what charities, and what ways I would bless others with what I was given. Of course my family would be made comfortable, bills would be paid in full, money would be carefully set aside for the future - and charities that I believe in - would also be helped. I have a great heart that way and I would be so happy to be able to "gift" that way some day...how much joy I would receive in doing that!

So, I find myself "newly rich" in spirit from this trip, and looking forward to getting chemo tomorrow! At least, I hope so. I know this sounds odd, but I really want to see my treatment get back on track, even though I am already confident that I am being healed through God's blessing too. I have been praying non-stop for healing and I am sure that my prayer's are being answered because even though I am sore from all the activities over the last four days, my body feels healthier overall. I realize this may sound like a contradiction to the feelings I just described earlier about overheating, being tired out, etc. but I don't know how else to say it. I feel worn out from the trip because I am weakened from battling this cancer off, but I feel like I am winning the battle too. It's hard to explain...I just feel it.

I spent most of today in bed, recuperating and renewing my strength. I'm up late because of that; whenever I get a nap in, it's often harder for me to fall asleep later on. Oh well, it's no big deal really, at least I'm getting the rest as I need it.

I'm thankful for my family, and I'm thankful for my friends. I'm thankful that this time around in my cancer journey I can be positive and find things I can be thankful for. Last time I was not as positive, optimistic or leaning on faith and I suffered in some ways for it. I was grimly determined and that got me through, but the quality of my life was not at all near what it is today. I am thankful for that too.

Today, I am thankful that I get to be thankful.

With Gratitude For All -

Elizabeth Gregory

Traveling With Cancer

I am on vacation with my Mom, daughter and her friend, Willie S., in Anaheim, CA so we can go to Disneyland!

This is a trip I would be excited about no matter what because I love Disneyland (hereafter described as "DL" or "dland") and have loved it since I was a child. We lived nearby as I was growing up and "back in the day" you could go to dland all day/night for about the cost of one book of tickets and $20 spending money. It was something we went to several times in the summer months, as well as several times throughout the rest of the year. Dland is playing, freedom, fun, imagination, creation, family, friends, bonding time, memories, happiness, awe and wonder. Oh yeah, a place where dreams are too.

We are here - now - because we had planned this trip for my daughter's 10th birthday, before my diagnosis. This is her first trip and I would not miss it for anything. I could not have done this at all without the help and support of my mother! She is the one who put this together and into reality for us. I am so grateful to have a loving and supportive family. I am especially grateful that my mother and I have an open and loving relationship. I treasure that! I am thankful that I have a mother and that we get to be a part of each other's lives.

It wasn't too long ago that I did not have a relationship with a majority of my family due to my alcoholism. I was really missing out on the best this world has to offer me - my family - they are the best.
And, because I am a mother, I was determined to have this trip go on as scheduled, cancer or not. I couldn't miss my girl's first dland trip. No way! And, here we are - my mom, me, and my daughter - creating our own memories of the three of us together (sorry Willie! It's a girl thing :-). I am thrilled to have this opportunity.

Every moment counts. Every minute is a new minute and you can use it or lose it. Even if I was feeling really rotten, I would still have stumbled along on this so I could be a part of this family bonding process. Cancer is not allowed to rob me of my life and life experiences! At least, not while I'm in still charge and God and my family are on my side. I know this cancer is simply a phase for growing and learning. A time to renew my optimistic outlook in life. A time to get positive and focused on the real priorities of life. A time to appreciate situations; like this trip to dland even with cancer, like teaching others that "what may have been/the way things once were" are not any longer! That people and relationships get opportunities to grow and change. And because people take advantage of those opportunities, they DO grow and change and relationships blossom like never before.

On this trip we've been able to spend time with other family too. We've seen my dad and his wife, my brother Tom and his family, and I have enjoyed every minute of it. I hope they have too. Being invited to spend time at my brother's house was deeply meaningful as it has been some time since that has happened. How proud I am of my brother (all my siblings, really!) and how deserving he is. A kind, thoughtful, doting dad is he, working so hard and so dedicated to his family. I love my family, each and every one.

Back to travel - since that was my topic! My body has behaved pretty well so far. I had a hard, a pretty hard, time coming back up the stairs from the beach visit. I had to go slow. I was the last one up. My heart was pounding, my head was incredibly hot, sweat started pouring down my face and I felt weak, even dizzy a bit. I was taking in slow, deep breaths, and (did I mention) I was going slow. Twenty-odd stairs and I was worn out. Really slow! THAT'S how the cancer tries to "get" me. I fight back by taking it. (What?)slow, and easy; by resting afterward for a while (like at least an hour), and keeping my head cool. Wet cloths make a huge, enormous difference in helping to cool off your neck and head. Much faster than just laying down in a cool (about 64 degrees cool!) room. Drink a lot of cool water just a few swallows at at time. Renewal happens. Slowly, but it comes.

Tomorrow is the BIG day; if possible, a full day at dland. We've been told to check in at the "city hall" (inside dland grounds) in order to get the "electric cart" (my hope) or the wheelchair (less my hope) for my benefit. City Hall is also the place to get the "quick pass" (my name, not dland's) that takes you pretty much to the front of the line for every ride, avoiding the long lines) completely. That is what will make the enormous difference of barely making it through a few hours, or making it through most of the day. I wouldn't be able to pull this off too well without that special help and I am thankful it is available.

So here I am, making good memories with my family; especially my daughter and my mom (and Willie, sorry there, Willie :) while I have this nasty cancer.

Speaking of that nasty c-thing, I'm going to end by saying that my prayers' are now consisting of several Psalms on overcoming fear, asking for healing and help, gratitude, love and praise for God; as well as my own prayers which include my belief that this is a temporary time, the cancer is being defeated as I write, that every moment of every day I am healing, re-generating, and getting well, that my love and faith for God are growing throughout this process, and, I pray for others and their trials also.

Disneyland may be great, but God is ever more great, and without whom, I would not be where I am today. God has carried me every step along the way, just as He carries me now.

I love you God and thank you for being the Head of my family. What would we ever do without you?!

Well, we wouldn't be at Disneyland, that's for sure!

Telling My Daughter

Well, I did it.

I did it the best way that I know how, yet it was harder than if I had done it face to face. I told my ten year old daughter over the phone yesterday that the cancer I had dealt with originally back in 2003/2004 had come back a second time.

What a hard, hard thing to have to do. I've waited to tell her all this time (since beginning of June '09) because I had just found out that the cancer had recurred a few days before she was due to leave on her summer break with her grandparents and cousins to go to the east coast (of USA). I didn't want her to worry about me. I didn't want to spoil her time with them by putting this frightening idea in her head until absolutely necessary.

If she had been home for the summer, well then, I would have been upfront with her immediately because I believe that my children (all children actually) have a right to hear truth and not be lied to (and so, having to wait was very hard on me...feeling like I was lying...although I knew in this case it was a benefit to her).

I think that children know anyway, they can sense when something is wrong (like when a parent is fighting cancer) and rather than let their heads go wild with worry, speculation and resentment at being "ignored, left out, not included" in the process, I choose to give them age appropriate information. This doesn't mean that my kids have to hear every "gory" detail, every word shared by the doctors and me. When I say "honesty," it's in relation to my kids ages and my having to impart bad news - like having active cancer again.

For example, this means that (a) they are told I have it, and "how" I have it - in general- where it is in my body (like bones, or breasts, or other organs), and (b) they are given the basics of the treatment I will be receiving to fight it (chemo, radiation, hormonal etc), and (c) how I feel about this happening; my optimism, how it may or may not change/impact them (in day to day activities) and our family routine. This helps me to offer reassurance and share with them who is going to be around more helping us during this period of time (ie., family, friends, services like Meals On Wheels that come by daily, etc).

As I've mentioned before in my writing, I believe knowledge is power and so I give that to my children. I want to make it clear though, that I do not over burden my children either. They get what information they need that helps their minds to cope, but not so much that I place my burden upon them to carry for me!

It was time to tell her because she will be home in two days and will see my bald head (or wig) for herself. I was able to tell her that I feel better than I did from February to May, and that was a good thing, because it shows that I'm getting the right treatment and its working already.

However, she is very downcast over my hair loss. It's more than just wanting me to look like her "regular mommy". Hair loss represents sickness, being different/not normal, doctors this and that everywhere, "people knowing" that Mom has cancer, and probably even more than that. I feel bad for her about that. I tried to help her have some perspective by gently reminding her that - What if I got well and.... my hair never came back, then what? Answer: WHO CARES?! The main thing is in being alive! I know she appreciates this, yet the missing hair represents more to her - what I stated above plus I'm sure her fear of her mom dying, I think. So just having to see me without hair is really stressful.

But that was on Friday. Today (Saturday) she was relatively back to normal (kids ARE so resilient!) and that was great to hear. I'm thankful that God is helping her.

Tomorrow is Sunday and that means a blood draw/test and then church. I go to church to be close to God, not necessarily to join an organized religion (although I am happy to "join" as long as I am allowed my beliefs). I look forward to it as an opportunity to talk to God, to hear God talk to me through others, to share in the joy of having a loving relationship with God (instead of one like I was taught at our church growing up where God was going to punish you for breathing wrong), and to get to worship God through singing. I'm not at all a great (or even good) singer but singing hits me at an emotional level and I cry a lot at church because I still feel like I'm getting cleansed of all my alcoholic "shame's" (bad deeds, hurtful people, attacks made upon me, humiliations, and pain/suffering I caused on those who love me and had to worry about me). I look forward to having the prayer team pray for me and my family; to help me overcome my difficulties, that my victory may bear witness testimony of what God's grace can do. I've been a miracle of God many times before...is there a limit on how many times I can be a miracle? I really hope that the answer is no!

I will pray that God gives my children everything they need to help them walk through this difficult time with me; that they have courage, faith, hope, strength, friends who care & support & protect them (especially at school) and that they have peace in their hearts. I will also pray that God gives me all the right words to say to help them, gives me the right actions to show them, and gives me anything else He thinks I might need to support them through this so that each of us will live on, and grow stronger, because of walking through this in faith.

May God bless each of them, my family and friends, and every single one of you out there as you read this - in whatever way you need His blessing(s) the very most.

Is God is good? ALL THE TIME!
Amen!

With Gratitude For You,
Elizabeth

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

It's happening. My hair is finally starting to fall out. But, this is what I shaved my head for, in preparation for, back in the beginning of this treatment plan in late June '09.

When I knew chemo was a day away from beginning, my dear friend "R" came over with her hair clippers at my request, and we shaved my head. No, it wasn't a concentration camp hairstyle I was after, nor was I attempting to punish myself. I know from prior chemo/radiation experience (that, for me, at least), this would be the best choice I could make for myself, to keep myself the most comfortable, positive and serene.

For those of you who haven't walked through hair loss, or who aren't going to be (a caregiver, family member or a friend), hair loss can be a very traumatic thing. For me, the worst part of the whole process the last time I had to do it, was waking up to find large clumps (and, I mean large!) of hair on my pillow, sometimes in my mouth or stuck to my face (from night sweats). It was easier for me to "beat up" on myself about my appearance when I could reach into my soft, beautiful blonde hair - and come away with my fist, full of hair sticking out every which way, every time I did it.

The problem is that it comes out rather patchy. One area is still nicely attached with no loose hair at all, while another area has almost gone entirely hair free and there is a big, round bald spot, about the size of a fist. This "patchwork quilt" pattern was what I had decided to avoid this time around. Oh, I did end up shaving my head last time too - but it was after the psychological punch had been thrown (and received, very depressing). So, it was late in coming, and my head was also horribly tender and sore by that stage, so it was also a somewhat painful procedure that I had to tip-toe through.

With that experience in mind, I planned ahead this time and as stated already, did the dirty deed of proactively "shaving" (hair clipper-ing) my hair off BEFORE there was pain, before the hot flashes began, before my scalp became tender (or really itchy as I'm experiencing now) and mostly, before my hair would "do that to me again" and come out in chunks.

And so, my hair is falling out. As I expected it would. And because I made decisions that, for me, mentally and emotionally prepared me (and likely due to having had this experience before as well), I'm actually doing really well!

I discovered this (hair loss)as I was finishing eating my lunch yesterday. While having my tasty lunch from Meals On Wheels, (a non-profit organization staffed by volunteers, that supply a meal daily to those in need because they are shut-ins, disabled, undergoing incapacitating health problems, cancer treatment, and much more), and nearing completion of my last few bites - I suddenly thought, "Gee, there is like 3 hairs in my food!". For a split second I thought "uh oh!" but then, I reached up and gave my head a vigorous rub and wha-la! Like the moment from the movie in "The Breakfast Club," where Ally Sheedy's character rubs her head to get her dandruff to fall over her newly drawn picture (to look like snow), there was my little brown stubs! (Yes, I am a bottled blonde these days although I was a blondie as a baby.) All over every where! Needless to say, I threw out the rest of my lunch, having no desire to eat my hair (again).

I will be bald again and that's okay! I know how to deal with it better this time around. I don't even always wear my wig or hats this time either. I'm into comfort this time - less prideful (and that doesn't mean "no" pride, either) about worrying what others think, or how normal or attractive I look. There are definite days that I pull out all the stops, make-up, wig, etc.to make myself look as pretty and normal as possible. But there are also many days, that I already feel "pretty and normal" exactly as I am - without hair, a hat or a wig. It's all in the eye of the beholder and I'm the eye I worry about impressing the most today.

Well, I do have "one" other eye I like to impress, and that's my two kids. If they want me to wear a wig for their sense of normalcy, then I make that accommodation. After all, it's not just "all about me." This is just as much a "family" disease as alcoholism or addiction can be - just in very different ways for very different reasons. And yes, people don't condemn people with cancer like they do people with alcoholism, even though they are equally deadly, destructive diseases.

I wonder why that is? I mean, even if you don't believe the scientific community who has establised alcoholsim and addiction as a disease (often with family genes that are predisposing a person to the condition - like some cancers), I think everyone who has ever dealt with an "active" (using/drinking) alcoholic/addictive person, can agree that at least when drinking/using - a person is very, very sick. Physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

And, if that can be agreed upon; then we can all agree that drugs and/or alcohol, when abusively used, can damage the body and cause physical harm and illnesses (cirrosis, gout, wet brain/brain damage etc) -- then, why don't sick alcoholics and sick addicted people (I'm avoiding saying "addict" because of the negative connotation I'm addressing here) get more compassion from people? Sick is sick. It doesn't matter really, how one got sick, does it? I know there are people out there who are saying "well, they did that to themselves". Well, what about people who smoke cigarettes for 20 years and get lung cancer? They (arguably) did that to themselves, right? Or, a person with melanoma (skin cancer) - who laid out for years with little to no sunscreen on? Do we say,"oh, that's their own fault! They did that to themselves. They don't deserve our empathy and compassion". No! Most of us (I like to hope) would never treat a sick, ill person so callously. So, again the question, why do we treat people made sick through alcohol or drug addiction that way? Something I encourage people to discuss, think over, and perhaps, re-evaluate within themselves. Is that how Jesus would have acted? Nope. He had compassion for all those afflicted; it didn't matter if it was leprosy, drink, or another disease. He cared about His fellow man.

I think we should too. Hair or no hair! (A wee giggle there!) Seriously though, before you next look on someone who looks differntly than you do, or is sick from any disease at all, put your feet into their shoes and take a walk... You should think and feel differently, with awareness, of how it might feel to be sick like that. Of how frightened a person might just be, from any illness. Maybe this will prevent cruel words, impolite staring, refusals of help based on judgement (are you God? No, I think not), and instead maybe compassion will grow and begin to flow. Kindness will perhaps fill hearts and spill over to flood our streets (Lord knows, our streets need flooding of this kind!). And, people will stop and think before they are rude or unkind, and they will instead reach out to help someone up, instead of trying to knock, or keep, a person down.

What a wonderful thing that would be! So, with my head full of that happy thought, I will leave you for today.

With Gratitude For All-
Elizabeth Gregory

Another Oops Just In Case

Ok, as I said, I'm still learning how to do this blogger thing.

As I was pointing out the error of my ways (and editing skills), I forgot to note my other error on the "Positively Positive" blog post.

I incorrectly stated the email for Cure magazine, which is a free resource for cancer patients, their family members and caregivers. It is an extremely well written, informative magazine loaded with clinical and laymen's information. I highly recommend it to anyone and everyone with cancer.

The correct web address is: www.curetoday.com

I encourage you to take advantage of this valuable resource.

And once again, my deepest regret and apologies for my error(s) and lack of recent "editing before I post my post so I don't look like an idiot" issues. As I said just a post ago, I promise to slow down, be a good editor to myself (and to you) and catch and fix my typos before posting my posts, from here on out.

I want you to know I can spell, I do have strong grammar skills and I can create decent sentences. It just looks like I can't because I didn't, a couple of times. Forgive me. That wasn't right of me to do, even if I'm excited about sharing information with you. If you can't figure out what I was trying to say because I didn't correct my errors, what good is that?!

Again, my apologies and promise to be a better blogger.

Thanks for giving this newbie another chance.

With Gratitude for You-
Elizabeth Gregory

Ooops!

My apologies to everyone on my last two posts! I didn't take the time to review them before posting, hence, typos and errors...wha-la!

I'll make an effort to slow down and be a a better editor from here on out.

Thanks for bearing with this newbie blogger. I'm still learning!

With Gratitude-
Elizabeth Gregory

Knowledge IS power

Well! I feel SO much better today! Not just because I haven't had chemo two weeks in a row (due to my liver being too distressed), but because I took the time to set a separate appointment just to ask, and get, some questions answered.

My head can go into very dark places if left to it's own devices (it's like going into a bad neighborhood, unarmed and alone). Having learned this the v e r y hardest way over the years, I immediately took some action so I not only won't go into that "bad neighborhood" alone, but this way, I get to avoid it altogether.

So I asked some questions and I got some answers. And, the answers have helped me stay positive and hopeful and optimistic, which is where I need to be every day, as much as is humanly possible.

I asked this: How much do I need to worry/be concerned over missing these 2 treatments? And, What do we do if my liver continues to react severely to Taxol?

My doctor told me this: that, while it is a concern, we have some flexibility here. Because my other drug treatment against the cancer at this time is Avastin (which must be given before any other chemo's in order to be effective), and, it's not as big of a concern (yet) to stop the Taxol, even though my liver is having trouble tolerating it. This is because of the Avastin benefits mostly; because Avastin is given with Taxol. Also, I was happily surprised to learn that 10% of patients get their cancer defeated by Avastin alone. I realize that's not a huge number but hey!, 10% IS 10%. When you're dealing with illness, that means something.

Also, it appears that already the two doses of Taxol that I've received are working! How great is that??!! So, Dr. P said, if it ends up that you can take the Taxol more intermittently than originally planned, it keeps us using the Avastin and, I tolerate it pretty well as far as fatigue and nausea go, which makes it likely that I will be able to continue with my college classes (though likely as half time vs full) and be a "working" mommy -- then that's the plan for now. Dr. P said if we were in a clinical trial, we would only be able to skip 3 weeks in a row before we would be "forced" to switch to another chemo medicine, so I'm thankful that's not the case.

I also had asked for a 2nd opinion on my test results regarding the cancers HER-2 and estrogen & progesterone receptors. After learning (from the first test) that the cancer no longer tested positive for receptors on any one of the three (Her-2, estrogen & progesterone; whic os referred to as "triple negative" cancer) -- I had asked for a second test/second opinion because I had read that 20% of the results of these tests can be wrong.

We reviewed the 2nd results today also and the results were confirmed. It was important to me to check because hormonal therapy is a big line of defense, which is no longer available to me now that their are no more receptors to work with.

In explaining this to me, Dr. P also said that basically we have already killed off those cancer cells which had those receptors. The cancer cells that are left are the more mutated cancer cells. These require chemo (radiation possibly too) and as time goes on, if the cancer keeps returning, it will keep changing, requiring treatment changes as we go along. Dr. P said this is common for cancer NOT to remain the same. This IS the primary problem with cancer; it mutates like a virus. I guess I should have already known this but hey, even though I'm hairless, I guess I had a blonde moment. (Hee Hee!)

For me, it always makes things less scary when I have a thorough knowledge of all the possibilities. I can't speculate then because I'm armed with the facts. Everyone should learn to be their own best advocate with docotrs because you have a right to know, to have your questions answered. If you have a doctor who thinks he/she is above talking WITH you (like a human being), you may want to get a different doctor. It's your life and your illness after all, you have a right to know what's happening to you. Also, doctors are people too; I mean, they aren't God for goodness sake, and they can make mistakes. You can always ask for a "patient advocate" to help you if you are using a hospital or clinic because most have them and, that's the sole purpose of their job -- to get what the patient wants/needs. They are on the patient's side and I've seen a few go to bat for me over the years (before I learned to speak up myself) and they don't mess around! They get answers. They are great resources so I encourage you to use one if you need help of any kind.

Lastly, my good, dearest friend found out she does have colon cancer. This is new for her; never been in this "neighborhood" before, dealing with cancer. She's going through the whirlwind of appointments, the mass of new terminology, the whir of tests and results and what that means to her.

My suggestion immediately was to tell her to get a large binder, a 3 hole punch and tabs and start organizing her paperwork. Tabs for calendar, prescription/med list, blood test results, other scans/test results, doctor & insurance contacts, resource lists, etc. Having to set this up takes a bit of work but in the long run it's enormously helpful because everything you need is there in one place. When your sick and someone says "where is that?" you just say "look in the binder under "--" tab. I also suggest an erasable wall calendar for appointments and tests; available for family, friends, caregivers and you, to see and add to easily. These two things keep me less stressed because I know I'm not missing anything and, because I get to review stuff at my leisure and jot down notes for questions for my doctor at a later time.

Enough out of me, I think! I can go on and on but I will stop here.

Anyway, as I said, "knowledge IS power" and I suggest everyone get some power going on in your life today.

You deserve it. Don't let anyone tell you that you can't either. It's your life, remember?

Take hold and conquer!

Positively Positive

Well, in a few hours I am supposed to be my next dose of Taxol. The dose I should've had as my third dose in a row, but my liver was marching to a different drummer and decided to throw a wrench in the schedule. This will still be my third Taxol, but it's not in a row, it's after a skipped week of rest for this liver of mine, that I feel is misbehaving.

So, today is my day to use my power phrase "positively positive" on myself. I am positively positive that my liver will no longer be the unruly child of my body, that it will have gotten back on the team, so to speak. I'm positively positive that I'm going to be more supportive to that team member through my food choice and keeping up with my daily 30 minute walking regimen. All this so I know I can count on my liver to hang in there for we can get the job done successfully - to kill every single remaining cancer cell in this body of mine, and prevent new ones from being created and to survive another experience with chemotherapy.

I'm positively positive that this can be done because I've done it before. Because I've read many articles (especially in the free to cancer patients and their families/caregivers magazine "Cure". Check out www.cure.com to sign up) about people who have walked through three or four different cancer recurrances, or even new, different cancers and their treatments and are still here to tell us about it.

So, I'm positively positive it can be done. I have role models that I can see and believe in who have already done this. So I know that I can do this too! Why not? I'm a human being just the same as they are; if they can do that then so can I.

So, I've prayed about it and asked God to bless me in my request to overcome cancer and survive. I'm positively positive that God will bless me because I believe that I am a worthy and loved child of His. Positively positive!

So, I will let everyone know later on that I was able to get my treatment today because I'm positive that I positively will get well and that starts today!

Have a positively positive day!

Visualization

Today I got a suggestion from my brother, Tom, about visualizing the chemo as little Pac Man's, eating my cancer "all gone." I had heard of visualization before but my idea was to see the chemo as a wave of "cleaner," sort of washing me clean. I wonder now, how specifc do I need to be in my picture in my head? Is washing good enough, or should I be Pac Manning it? Having that little round head actually eating every cell?

And, my imagination needs help, I guess because I'm having trouble seeing how to get those little guys into my bones (in my picture in my head). Maybe I shouldn't worry about it until Monday, when I get another try at Taxol...I wonder if other people who have tried this only visualize when they are on their chemo drip, or all the time, every day?

On another note, my CA-15-3 report (tumor marker) went from an original # of 152 to 263.

This could mean one of two things per Dr. P, my oncologist: a) the chemo isn't working and the cancer is growing, or, b) the chemo is working and because the cancer cells are "exploding" - this causes the markers to rise up before they fall (kind of like a wave hitting the beach, then it falls back into the sea). I am, of course, choosing to read this as the treatment is working, and that the bad cells are exploding.

Maybe I should just concentrate on that visualization? I have no problem seeing them explode like little popping soap bubbles in the air. I bet, whatever works easily for your mind to wrap around, is the key to successful visualization.

I think I'll leave Pac Man to someone else's keen mind and I'll stick with exploding cancer cells (bubbles). Pop, pop, pop! I can almost even hear the sounds when I sit quietly and focus. I hope this is the right choice for me.

The only other way to tell if the treatment is working for me (since its in my bones, possibly 2 spots in liver also), is a PET scan, and, how much pain I'm having in my bones. This is a hard call because Taxol also causes pain in muscles and bones. So, I try not to worry too much over every ache and pain-it could just be the treatment working and not the cancer growing.

Today, I'm choosing to focus on being healthy in thought, and in action. I'm going to the beach with my dog, Serenity, and my friend Dinah, and her redbone hound, Jolie. Serenity is a white yellow lab mix w/other half golden retriever, but you'd never know that looking at her. She also has her own little character defect in that she was born with only about 1/4th of the normal tail of a retriever. (So, yeah, we are lucky because we don't have to worry about the tail clearing off the coffee table, or beating us silly.) Anyway, it will be good to get out of the house for a few hours and enjoy this wonderful, perfect sunny California day.

Pac man, anyone?

Surprises

What a wonderful surprise I had in contacting Dennis at beingcancer.net. This is the kind of happy surprise that really uplifts and endears the heart. Thank you, Dennis.

Another surprise I had this week is that I wasn't able to get my Taxol as originally planned on Monday due to my liver being too distressed. Bummer! I am also on Avastin so I was given that as scheduled but it's really annoying when your body doesn't cooperate with what your mind is set to do. So, I'm also sleeping more this week and I don't know if that has to do with the Avastin, or my liver, or both. I live in sunny California and it's always an adjustment for me to wake up and find that I've fallen asleep and slept my whole day away. For someone who is used to getting a lot done, it's difficult to accept that rest is a good thing to do too. I have to remember that a lot of renewal gets done while we are sleeping, so hopefully, my liver is just getting a good dose of renewal.

Anyone else out there with their own liver issues that's keeping them from their treatment? I'd like to hear from you!

Eating Habits

One of the hardest things I have to learn to do for myself is honor myself through proper use of food. It's an added challenge while going through chemotherapy when your taste buds seems to go haywire. At least, that's what it's like for me.

I love my veggies, my fruit and granola and all that good stuff. I love fish, chicken and beef,although I don't eat much beef nowadays. Many days I can eat completely good nutrition with no problem but then, I can try to eat something that sounds good to my mind and tummy, but then it hits my taste buds and all bets are off! Today, I was craving something crunchy (like snack foods) so I tried each of these healthier versions of old favorites; lightly salted/sugared kettle corn, nautral baked potatoe chips, and natural baked cheese crunchies (like wanna be cheetos). Guess what? All three tasted like fish oil in my mouth! I didn't get "my crunch on" because everything tastes like sardines. How icky is that?! (I realize some people enjoy sardines but as you can tell, I can't count myself as one of them.)

I've also been able to really work on healthier eating since February this year when I started focusing on the amount of fat grams, sodium and sugar that I'm consuming daily. Since then, I've lost approximately 30 pounds by that and walking thirty minutes daily (as much as possible during treatment - which is about 6 days a week on average). This is a good start towards honoring myself through my nutrition choices.

But, I have this awful sweet tooth! I had started to write earlier that I didn't know why I couldn't ultimately, easily stay away from sugar and in writing my woes I realized that I was being a cop-out. That I really just hadn't accepted that I'm unmanageable with my food choices because I simply haven't made a firm decision to use food simply as nutrition, and not as a comfort and reward system. So I've learned that I still make excuses and I'm not as strong in my resolve. And hey! There's me just being a human being again _ progress not perfection.

It's hard to unlearn such a deeply ingrained approach towards food. Sugar was always a reward and it simply can't be anymore, if I want to truly honor myself correctly through my food choices. Refined sugar is really a kind of poison and I'm trying to remember that every time my head says "go get some!". My health depends upon eating right, in fact, my life depends on that, especially right now. And yet, sometimes I just want to eat chocolate, and ice cream and cookies because I think "I'll feel better (emotionally)" but at what cost to my physical self? Is feeding my emotions more important that properly feeding my body? No. That's what I'm trying to teach myself.

Wish me luck!

What i don't do today

You know what I don't do today? I don't abuse myself, and I don't allow others to abuse me. There was a period of time in my life where I felt I wasn't good enough for the general acceptance of others - and really, I just didn't accept myself and I projected that onto others. I couldn't understand why you didn't accept me. I was in denial that I didn't accept me and I certainly did not see the connection between my lack of self-acceptance becoming your lack of acceptance too.

Today is not like that, thankfully. Today I realize that I have the power to uplift myself, or to hinder myself. I believe my words carry weight and that if I use them carelessly, I can weigh myself down. I believe in the power of belief, and believing starts with words - I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.

Sabotage also starts with words - I'm no good, What's wrong with me, and so on. I don't hurt myself like that today. Oh sure, I will slip up and say things like "that was stupid!" or some such, but notice I do not say "you're so stupid!" when I make a mistake. I even try to correct myself when I say "that was stupid" and tell myself that I'm simply human and I'm not perfect. That's good for me because I used to think I had to be perfect to be accepted because I thought everyone seemed like they were perfect. I was unfair to myself and to those I claimed had perfection - what a hard, uncompromising place to be!

I don't let myself be a doormat today either. I tell others when I am hurt, or upset by something they may have said or done. I don't expect them necessarily to get it, or change, or even apologize - but I do expect to take care of myself and share my feelings so that I can determine if continuing a relationship (friends or family or other) is a good idea for me to have with you. If you don't care how I feel, then I need to recognize that and gauge whether or not it is of value to me to continue on with someone who does not care. I don't spend much time in relationships with little value anymore. I maximize my return on investment because it's the right thing for me and for me to share with you.

I don't treat people with disrespect, I don't take people for granted and I don't put pride before humility - I apologize immediately if I step on someone else's toes. I treat others as I want to be treated. How easy is that!?

Why is this so hard for so many human beings to do? I don't know. I just know that I have a choice every time I interact with someone and today, I don't treat people badly because I honor them and their feelings. Everyone has a right to their feelings, a right to their opinions, a right to be heard. And, we all have the right to agree or disagree.

Today, I don't expect anyone to be like me except me.

Miracles

Today one of my most cherished friends gave me a necklace with a charm that says "miracles" on it. Because I am a miracle today.

Some people out there enjoy their belief that "miracles don't happen" - and they relish their closed-mindedness. They refuse to accept that miracles occur every day, on so many levels and everywhere, there is proof.

For example, in my life alone there have been more miracles than I can count. But, I'll share a few...

First of all, the fact that I am a sober alcoholic is a miracle in itself. By very definition, alcoholics aren't meant to be sober; we are uncontrollable drunks! We suffer from a disease that is an allergy of our bodies response to alcohol, we cannot drink enough to conquer the overpowering desire for more, even when we know it is killing us. Coupled with that physical allergic response of craving, we have an obsession of our mind that lies to us and tells us that we don't have a problem, that we can drink like regular, temperate drinkers - an obsession to learn to control our drinking. Something that a true alcoholic can ever do for long. We crave it. We obsess over it. We believe it is our friend, that without it we could not face the world.

The miracle comes when the denial (don't even notice that I am lying, is one euphanism) that comes with an active alcoholic mind, is suddenly able to surrender to the fact that the alcoholic does have a problem! That the recognition that we are not like other people with regard to alcohol, begins to seep in.

For one who was confined for most of my life in my disease of denial, of alcoholic obsession...the very fact that I am free of that today-by God, that IS a miracle! Even more so is how good my life is today! The comfort and peace I have in my own skin, the ability to accept myself as I am, the willingness to work an honest 12 step program and to rely on faith and a power, greater than myself...
Each of those things is a miracle to me. When you have been in the dark prison of addiction and have been given a release and a new joy in celebrating life, on life's terms, well! What a joyful miracle is that!

And, what about being able to still be here to share my story? If I could only recap every danger, every deeply sick, lost moment, every abuse encountered - and that I am alive and well (yes, I have cancer but I chose to say I am alive and well) and not already dead, or incapacitated, or incarcerated for that matter...miracle, miracle, miracle.

Every moment of love is a miracle. Every hope. Every joy. Every kind act, every compassionate heart. Every flower that bloomsn every day the sun rises - all miracles.

It's all in how you choose to see your world.

Do you see miracles too? I hope so.

Three Years

I write with gratitude, for at this moment I am celebrating the first one hour and twenty-four minutes of my sobriety "birthday" - I have just reached my 3rd year anniversary as of midnight, July 10, 2009. What a long road I have traveled, and just in the last three years! The years before seem like a separate lifetime ago, with so many peaks and valleys and "lost episodes." My life today is so very different and so very good.

I can say that sincerely and mean it, even while I am walking through my second round of treatments for breast cancer. I was originally diagnosed in 2003 and underwent a lumpectomy, a mastectomy, chemotherapy and radiation. That was six years ago and up until the last few months, all was "quiet" on the home front of my body. Now? As of right now, I am into my third chemotherapy treatment as this annoying disease has reared it's ugly head again by showing that it had been hiding out in my bones all this time. Anyway, my ovaries came back to life after my five year hormonal treatment ended (last May "08) to which the response was to promptly pull them out of my body. This was done to prevent the estrogren that turned back on like a loose faucet, from igniting any remaining cancer cells in my body. Oh well! So, the estrogen appears to have done it's damage while it had that flash in the pan chance, and so my body is lit up like a christmas tree under a PET scan, the cancer is in so many bones. Stage Four diagnosis now (sounds like a curtain call..."stage left!" ha ha).

However, as I would like to take this moment to point out, I am quite certain that this is a temporary problem and that the chemotherapy treatments will simply toss the water on the cancer "fire" again and put the cancer cells out of business once again. I say this will all sincerity and true faith, because I have a God who has walked with me through homelessness, through alcoholism and addiction, through rape and abuse, and I have faith, strong faith, that my dear God will walk with me through this too. I believe this is simply another opportunity for me to "grow", not "go."

Of course, this doesn't mean that I don't have moments of fear...I am human like everyone else, so of course I find myself in these moments. What I also have is faith, and faith overcomes my fear. I was blessed with this faith through other trials I've endured, such as reaching for and attaining sobriety these last three years...something I have been struggling to accomplish and keep one day at a time for the majority of my life. I am so grateful that I have gotten this far because the gift of faith is precious to me.

There is a lot I have to share and I want to reach out and do this in the hope that I might help someone else to gain strength - that I can offer through my words the same encouragement, belief, trust, acceptance, hope and faith that was offered to me. That my story may benefit someone else - that my testimony, my victories over my difficulties can inspire others to not give up, never give up and keep trying. As they say in my favorite spiritual program, don't give up five minutes before the miracle happens.

Yes, you can be that miracle! You just have to believe it can be true, reach for it, rely on your spiritual guide, whether that be God and Jesus, or Buddha, or a spirit of the Universe, and put your faith into action.

My Prayer for Today:
I am grateful I am sober today. Thank you God for my 3 year anniversary. Help me walk with strength and grace while my cancer is attacked and killed, keeping my healthy body protected during this time. I believe this is an opportunity to learn and grow, that I might offer hope to others. Thank you God because you love me and carry me and I will survive and emerge stronger and healthier at the end of this treatment. In Jesus's name I pray, Amen.

I believe. Do you?