Visualization

Today I got a suggestion from my brother, Tom, about visualizing the chemo as little Pac Man's, eating my cancer "all gone." I had heard of visualization before but my idea was to see the chemo as a wave of "cleaner," sort of washing me clean. I wonder now, how specifc do I need to be in my picture in my head? Is washing good enough, or should I be Pac Manning it? Having that little round head actually eating every cell?

And, my imagination needs help, I guess because I'm having trouble seeing how to get those little guys into my bones (in my picture in my head). Maybe I shouldn't worry about it until Monday, when I get another try at Taxol...I wonder if other people who have tried this only visualize when they are on their chemo drip, or all the time, every day?

On another note, my CA-15-3 report (tumor marker) went from an original # of 152 to 263.

This could mean one of two things per Dr. P, my oncologist: a) the chemo isn't working and the cancer is growing, or, b) the chemo is working and because the cancer cells are "exploding" - this causes the markers to rise up before they fall (kind of like a wave hitting the beach, then it falls back into the sea). I am, of course, choosing to read this as the treatment is working, and that the bad cells are exploding.

Maybe I should just concentrate on that visualization? I have no problem seeing them explode like little popping soap bubbles in the air. I bet, whatever works easily for your mind to wrap around, is the key to successful visualization.

I think I'll leave Pac Man to someone else's keen mind and I'll stick with exploding cancer cells (bubbles). Pop, pop, pop! I can almost even hear the sounds when I sit quietly and focus. I hope this is the right choice for me.

The only other way to tell if the treatment is working for me (since its in my bones, possibly 2 spots in liver also), is a PET scan, and, how much pain I'm having in my bones. This is a hard call because Taxol also causes pain in muscles and bones. So, I try not to worry too much over every ache and pain-it could just be the treatment working and not the cancer growing.

Today, I'm choosing to focus on being healthy in thought, and in action. I'm going to the beach with my dog, Serenity, and my friend Dinah, and her redbone hound, Jolie. Serenity is a white yellow lab mix w/other half golden retriever, but you'd never know that looking at her. She also has her own little character defect in that she was born with only about 1/4th of the normal tail of a retriever. (So, yeah, we are lucky because we don't have to worry about the tail clearing off the coffee table, or beating us silly.) Anyway, it will be good to get out of the house for a few hours and enjoy this wonderful, perfect sunny California day.

Pac man, anyone?

Three Years

I write with gratitude, for at this moment I am celebrating the first one hour and twenty-four minutes of my sobriety "birthday" - I have just reached my 3rd year anniversary as of midnight, July 10, 2009. What a long road I have traveled, and just in the last three years! The years before seem like a separate lifetime ago, with so many peaks and valleys and "lost episodes." My life today is so very different and so very good.

I can say that sincerely and mean it, even while I am walking through my second round of treatments for breast cancer. I was originally diagnosed in 2003 and underwent a lumpectomy, a mastectomy, chemotherapy and radiation. That was six years ago and up until the last few months, all was "quiet" on the home front of my body. Now? As of right now, I am into my third chemotherapy treatment as this annoying disease has reared it's ugly head again by showing that it had been hiding out in my bones all this time. Anyway, my ovaries came back to life after my five year hormonal treatment ended (last May "08) to which the response was to promptly pull them out of my body. This was done to prevent the estrogren that turned back on like a loose faucet, from igniting any remaining cancer cells in my body. Oh well! So, the estrogen appears to have done it's damage while it had that flash in the pan chance, and so my body is lit up like a christmas tree under a PET scan, the cancer is in so many bones. Stage Four diagnosis now (sounds like a curtain call..."stage left!" ha ha).

However, as I would like to take this moment to point out, I am quite certain that this is a temporary problem and that the chemotherapy treatments will simply toss the water on the cancer "fire" again and put the cancer cells out of business once again. I say this will all sincerity and true faith, because I have a God who has walked with me through homelessness, through alcoholism and addiction, through rape and abuse, and I have faith, strong faith, that my dear God will walk with me through this too. I believe this is simply another opportunity for me to "grow", not "go."

Of course, this doesn't mean that I don't have moments of fear...I am human like everyone else, so of course I find myself in these moments. What I also have is faith, and faith overcomes my fear. I was blessed with this faith through other trials I've endured, such as reaching for and attaining sobriety these last three years...something I have been struggling to accomplish and keep one day at a time for the majority of my life. I am so grateful that I have gotten this far because the gift of faith is precious to me.

There is a lot I have to share and I want to reach out and do this in the hope that I might help someone else to gain strength - that I can offer through my words the same encouragement, belief, trust, acceptance, hope and faith that was offered to me. That my story may benefit someone else - that my testimony, my victories over my difficulties can inspire others to not give up, never give up and keep trying. As they say in my favorite spiritual program, don't give up five minutes before the miracle happens.

Yes, you can be that miracle! You just have to believe it can be true, reach for it, rely on your spiritual guide, whether that be God and Jesus, or Buddha, or a spirit of the Universe, and put your faith into action.

My Prayer for Today:
I am grateful I am sober today. Thank you God for my 3 year anniversary. Help me walk with strength and grace while my cancer is attacked and killed, keeping my healthy body protected during this time. I believe this is an opportunity to learn and grow, that I might offer hope to others. Thank you God because you love me and carry me and I will survive and emerge stronger and healthier at the end of this treatment. In Jesus's name I pray, Amen.

I believe. Do you?